Since We're Alone |NH|

Chapter 79

I took a swig of my beer as I watched the sun set from atop my roof.  Closing my eyes, I felt her presence before I felt her figure sit next to me.

I inhaled deeply as the scent of her perfume wafted through the late summer breeze.

"I don't think I've ever seen you in glasses. I like it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. You should wear them more often. It's quite sexy."

"I'll have to keep that in mine."

There was a moment of quiet. My eyes still closed, letting my other senses take her in. 

"I love your side profile," she said, softly.

I smiled.  "I love every inch of you."

I knew she was smiling before I opened my eyes and saw for myself.  Her smile – god, I love her smile.

"You know, when Maggie and I broke up, she knew I'd go crawling back to her. Which I tried to do, far more times than I care to admit. In fact, I took her back every time we had a fight or every time I thought I had finally had enough. She had me believing I wasn't good enough. But, luckily, I still have friends who knew better; friends who told me to stay single until I found someone worth fighting for, who would be proud of me, who I could laugh with, who would listen to me no matter the feeling going through my mind. They told me to wait for the person who understands me and makes me a priority in their life, without losing sight of their dreams and goals. They told me to wait for someone who could do all that, so that I could do all those things for her."

"And did you find her?"

"I think I did, yeah.  When I was least expecting it; least wanting it. I found her." 

She smiled at me as she wrapped her arm through mine, resting her head on my shoulder.  

"I know it was wrong of me to doubt you and just so easily believe her. Especially when I had already felt that she was the root cause of all the strange things you did. I should never have done that and Tomi was right for telling me so. I think that's what convinced me to listen to you - listening to her defend you to me. She would never have done that if she thought for one millisecond that you weren't to be trusted. But, Niall, I need you to know that you can't do this to me, again. You can't keep things from me just because you're scared. You only end up staying in one place, held back by fear; a fear that was implanted in you by someone who doesn't care who she hurts in the process of getting what she wants. I told you that I understood why you were hesitant to let me in, but look at what it almost cost you."

"I know," I said, hanging my head, mad at myself still for not trusting her from the beginning.

"Look, there are two basic motivating forces out there – fear and love.  When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we become open to all that is possible. What's done is done. Can't erase the past, as much as we may wish we could. People get lost all the time. And most of us manage to find our way out of the dark, whether on our own or with someone by our side. You got lost somewhere out there, but I've been telling you all along that I can see in the dark. All you had to do was trust me. I love you, Niall Horan. And in these past couple of weeks, with all the sharing we've both done, that I'm going to love you in your weakest moments and your strongest; with all your imperfections. Because those make you who you are. And you are so easy to love. And I am so sorry that someone you loved made you think it is hard to love you."

She had been playing with my fingers as she spoke but lifted her head up to look at me when she stopped.

"When did you fall in love with me?" I asked, turning slightly to look into her eyes.

"You know, I did a lot of thinking on that in the last couple of weeks. And I don't know if I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with you but I can find moments that told me it was going to happen. Like, when you held my hand and ran across the street with me that first night we really hung out, after trivia. You placed your hand on the small of my back and took the other in mine. You made crossing that street an adventure. You made getting coffee and sitting with me in a tree not feel silly. You actually enjoyed it. I know you did because I remember the look of content on your face. I was watching you so closely. And then, in other, smaller moments – the way you smile, the way you look at me when we're talking and I can tell that you're listening. I get the greatest feeling when I make you laugh. It makes me feel as if my company makes you happy, and that's all that I want for you. For you to be happy."

I smiled at her.  Everything she had just said, I felt in my heart to be true. "I'm sorry for hurting you; for allowing someone from my past to hurt you. But, I promise you, I am learning to trust again, and that it's okay to open myself back up. I'm finally seeing that I – that who I am - can be enough for someone. I'm actually ashamed of the person I became because of her. But then you walked into my life and nothing has been quite the same since. You have made me realize that I don't have to pretend to be the person I think people want me to be. I don't have to be scared to fall because I know you'll catch me."

She smiled at me, the most genuine smile I had ever seen.  She moved a little before cupping my face in her hands.  "Listen to me, Niall.  Don't you ever be ashamed of how deeply you loved someone who destroyed you. Destroying things is what she does; it's who she is. But, you are not her, and you are not her creation or her destruction anymore. You should be proud of the way you love because it's who you are and don't ever forget that. No matter what happens, you are a loving person who deserves to be loved the same way you love. And I hope I meet those standards."

"You go above and beyond them," I whispered.

I leaned into kiss her softly. Ever since she let me kiss her again, I've made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Savor it as if it were the last. And that's how I want to continue to love her.

I pulled away and looked at her, her hair blowing softly in the evening breeze. "Come here," I said, opening my arms wide for her to safely crawl into. And she did, resting her head on my chest. "I'm just glad you're here. I'm glad that when I asked you to stay, you stayed. I never want to give you a reason to leave. And I will do my hardest to make sure that you always want to stay." 

I trailed off, turning slightly to kiss her on the top of her head. I turned my attention to the sunset in front of us. Another day was ending, but I was no longer afraid of the dark. I had finally found the light.