Since We're Alone |NH|

Chapter 34

Ophelia's POV

The expression on his face scared me.  What had I done?  His body slumped in what looked like defeat and his expression softened in the light coming in through my window.  But he still looked petrified.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ophelia."  He said those words so quietly, but I could hear the honesty in them.  As relieved as I was to hear that, it also scared me because it meant something else was going on; something else was tugging at his mind.

I saw him run his hand through his hair and tug on it slightly.  Everything had been going so well.  It seemed like he had gotten over whatever was freaking him out before and now, I'm sitting on my bed almost completely nude, staring at a guy who only seconds before had been so close to me.  I didn't know what to think or say.

"I'm sorry.  I don't know what to say.  I promise you did nothing wrong.  And I promise you, this isn't what I want to be doing right now.  I want to continue what we were doing.  I do.  I, uhh, I just don't fucking know."

I watched as he tugged at his hair again before stepping toward me and bending down to pick his pants up off the floor and put them back on.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I think it's better if I go," he said, softly.

"Niall, you don't have to go," I said, sitting up and reaching my hand out for him.  "I'm not mad.  There's no reason to go."

"Isn't there?  I've just lost—"

"It happens to everyone, Niall.  It doesn't mean you get dressed and leave."  I paused.  "Unless, this is all you want from me?"

His head snapped up in my direction.  "Ophelia, no, this isn't that at all.  I would never do that."

I smiled a little but was still filled with concern.  I stood up and grabbed the t-shirt I usually slept in that was rumpled up on the floor.  Pulling it on, I flipped the light switch to my closet on so some light would illuminate the room without showcasing our hurt and confusion.

When I turned around, his pants were back on, but he was sitting on the bed; his elbows propped on his knees, his head in his hands.

"I'm so sorry, Ophelia.  This is unbelievably embarrassing."

I sat down next to him.  "Don't be embarrassed, Niall."

"No, I think I will," he said, raising his head  and his voice but not quite looking at me.  "This is pretty fucking embarrassing for a man."

"Well, I'm not sitting here judging you on this, so please, stop.  Please, just look at me." I paused and waited. The silence hung in the room. Getting even more scared because he wouldn't look at me, I begged with tears starting to well up in the corner of my eyes, "Please?  Niall? Just look at me."

It took him a minute, but he finally looked at me.  I saw hurt; I saw fear; I saw someone who was clearly so unsure of himself that it hurt me to see him that way.

I scooted closer to him, bringing my hands to his face and holding him there.  I smiled at him before kissing him softly.

"I don't want you to go.  We were having a really good time, and this doesn't have to ruin it."

"How does my inability to stay—"

"Because that doesn't change my opinion of you.  I still like you.  And it's just one unfortunate moment that probably won't ever happen again.  Probably just need to relax. Both of us.  It can be scary the first time with someone new.  Trust me, I prefer to be completely wrapped up in darkness the first few times because I'm so body conscious."

"You're gorgeous."

I smiled at him.  "So are you."  Still holding onto his face, I began rubbing my thumbs along his temple, trying to soothe him.  He smiled a little at my comment but kept his eyes lowered.  "Okay, I'm just gonna say it – this is obviously not where either of us was thinking this was headed.  Pretty sure we both thought we were going down a different road a few minutes ago but that doesn't mean it's a road we won't take.  We just have to get past our nerves.  Both of us.  But, it also doesn't mean that you have to go.  You can stay.  We can get under the covers, lay here and talk about anything and everything or absolutely nothing at all, until we fall asleep.  The only question is - do you want to stay?"

I could see him debating something in his head; his eyes looked so conflicted.  Whatever it was he was dealing with; whatever demons he was fighting, looked as if they were winning.  He looked exhausted; he looked absolutely defeated.  All I wanted to do was wrap him up in blankets and hold onto him; make him feel safe and secure.

"Niall?" I said, more softly, more gently. "I'm asking you to stay."

He closed his eyes and tilted his head into my hand before turning just enough to kiss my palm.  He started kissing up my arm until his hands were holding my face and he was kissing me again.  This kiss was different.  It wasn't needy or frustrating.  It wasn't passionate or sexy.  It was asking for forgiveness and patience.

We drew apart and when I opened my eyes, he was looking at me.  He looked so incredibly lost.

I let go of him and stood up.  Pulling the comforter and sheets down, I tossed several of my pillows off to the side.  I went and turned out the closet light before walking back and climbing into bed.  I reached out for him, finding his arm and pulling him up so that he could climb underneath the covers, which he did.  Once he seemed to settle into the covers, I snuggled close to him, weaving my way under his arm so I could rest my head on his chest.

He lightly traced his fingers up and down my arm; a movement that had sent chills across my body only minutes ago.  I tilted my head up and scooted just enough to find his face with my hand and turn him so I could kiss him again.  I felt the need to reassure him.  Whatever was bothering him, I wanted to help him forget.  I didn't know how but I wanted to try.

After a minute or so of lightly kissing him, I pulled away but kept the palm of my hand on his face, lightly pressing down to once again try to convey to him that everything was okay.

I scooted back down a bit, wrapping one arm around his waist and placing my head on his chest.  I could feel his heart beating against my ear.  I traced a finger across his chest for a moment before settling my hand where his heart was.  I could feel it pounding beneath me.  I felt him let out a breath that he had clearly been holding in.  I had never seen someone so terrified before. 

I didn't know what spooked him.  I knew it wasn't me.  I knew it wasn't anything I had done.  But someone, somewhere along the way had hurt him.  I had my guess as to who, but didn't know how I could find out for sure without prying into the depths of his personal life.  But whatever it was clearly left its mark; an unseen scar that was still healing. 

We laid there in the quiet of the darkness.  His breathing slowly began to steady and his fingers slowly ceased running down my arm.  At some point, I knew he had fallen asleep.

I tilted my head back up towards his face, finding his cheek, kissing him.

"I don't know what made you so afraid," I whispered, "But I can see the shadow behind your face.  Who hurt you?  Who put your heart through so much pain?  I hope you find a way to tell me what you're running from.  I promise you can talk to me; you can trust me.  I won't break you.  I just want to know how to get in there.  How do I get you to show me your heart?"

I kissed him once more before resting my head down again.  Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, loving the way his natural scent mixed with the cologne he had put on. 

"I promise, you've got the best of me."