Fighting a New World

21

Callum's POV

I said it.

After holding it in for months, I finally said it.

When my words reached his ears, my heart stopped while his face went slack. I had panicked at first, mostly because he just stared at me for a second.

So many things rushed through my mind in that small moment. What if he didn't love me back? What if he said it back but didn't mean it? What if he wasn't ready to admit it?

I would have been okay with that last one considering how much his dad drilled into him that being gay was terrible, but it would still have hurt a bit considering I thought we were helping him get past it.

Then a smile crossed his face.

A real smile; not a smirk, not a teasing smile he gives Ryder, a genuine smile that makes my heart stop for a second. And just like that, every worry I had was gone as he repeats my words.

That of course had been a few days ago and ever since then we had pretty much been inseparable; Liam and Ryder seemed to think it was adorable when we told then why but any time they tried to tease Jax about it in anyway he would glare at them.

Now that we've confessed our feelings for each other though, only one thing has been on my mind no matter how much I tried to push it away.

I really wanted to fuck him.

Well, that was a bit crude. I wanted to have sex with him very badly; I have for a while now.

Sex is my love language, it always has been. I'm not that great at small actions like Ryder or caring words like Liam but there is no mistake that I love you when I give you so much pleasure that you are begging to release.

The problem is, I'm no bottom, and by the looks of it, Jax isn't either.

If I thought I could make it through it, I would gladly bottom if it meant letting Jax know how much I loved him but I know I wouldn't be able to. I've tried with Liam before when we first started having sex but I always ended up having a panic attack for no reason.

I don't even know why. I'm not like Ryder, I don't have a reason to not want to bottom; not that he minds it now that Liam and I have taken care of him. But every time I try, I get about half way done with prep and it's like my thoughts all get pushed together and I don't even feel the pleasure anymore.

I'm not sure if Jax was the same way though. I mean it's clear that he's never bottomed and he's even said that he hasn't. Judging from the glares he gives all of us when someone tries, he doesn't seem interested in bottoming either.

Sure, I could always put Liam or Ryder in the middle of us and have them watch as I make Jax weak in the knees but it's not the same.

When you're alone with only one other person, even if the sex was rough or kinky, there was a next level of intimacy to it. They become more shameless and their guard fully falls and in that moment it's truly just the two of you and nothing else matters.

I wanted to share a moment like that with Jax.

"You're being uncharacteristically quiet," Andrew teases as he leaned forward as he closed the folder on his desk. "Either I've done something wrong or you have something else on your mind."

I only hum, making him frown for the first time today.

"You frown too much. How do you plan on finding a wife if you have wrinkles this early in life?"

"With my charm and sense of humor," he stated blankly.

"You'll be single for ever then."

"Well then it's a good thing this isn't about me," he said with another smile, I can't tell if it's because of my poor attempt at a joke or because the attention was back on me.