Fighting a New World

32

Jax's POV

"They seem to think something's wrong with me," I sighed out as I settled down into my usual chair in Andrew's office.

"I'm assuming 'they' is referring to your boyfriends," Andrew asked as he opened my folder and began to listen.

"And Dayton. Callum thinks I'm working out too much. He thinks Carter and me are self-harming without meaning to, Liam and Ryder thinks so too. Dayton is just concerned with the zoning out."

"Why do they think self-harm? You and Carter have always worked out a lot. What changed all of the sudden?"

"I went on the bag for at least an hour and a half straight, maybe even two hours but I barely even remember it. I mean, I remember doing it, I was in front the whole time but it didn't feel like it had been that long."

"Did it feel the same as when you zoned out at work?" I only nod. "What did you think about when it happened?"

"I wasn't thinking about anything. My mind just went blank. It's not like Carter stole the memory or was half way fronting either like it normally would have been. I just wasn't thinking. I was still drawing at work though, just not what I was supposed to."

"What were you drawing? Your mind could be trying to tell you something some how. Almost like free writing while being hypnotized."

"Mostly Liam but Ryder and Callum too. I've been drawing them for a while now, just not to this point. Even when I first started working at the shop I was drawing Ryder pretty much constantly until Dayton told me to do something else."

"Did you have trouble focusing like this at camp? Maybe during class or just in general at the cabin?" I shrugged.

"I think everyone had trouble focusing in those classes. Most of us were in college prep even if we weren't going to college. It was stupid and pointless and when you had Liam for a boyfriend and tutor you tended to not pay attention as much. The teacher never taught it as good as Liam anyway so there was no point listening to them."

"How about at the cabin then," he asked with a small frown, almost as if he were looking for literally any connection at this point.

"Some times during movies but that could have just been because I didn't like what they were watching."

His frown deepened while his fingers drummed annoyingly on the table.

"It could honestly just be the stress. I know that's not a good answer but as a professional, that's my best answer."

"How are we supposed to fix it then? I can't keep drawing Liam at work. I can already tell that Dayton is starting to run out of patience and Callum is really worried."

"You need to find a stress reliever," he said simply, as if it were just that easy.

"I had one. It was fighting and working out. Now I can't do one and the other is limited so what else am I supposed to do?"

"You could try yoga with Ryder," he suggested with a small smile.

"I'd literally rather do almost anything else."

"How about meditation?"

"I can't believe you came up with a worse idea than yoga."

Andrew's smile fell and slowly turned into a small glare.

"You can't just shoot everything down because they sound stupid. You need to give them a chance. Yoga and mediation have been great stress relievers for a lot of people for centuries now."

"I'm still not doing it. Do you have literally anything else?"

He went quiet again as he continued to think. A crease began to form on his forehead as he rubbed his bottom lip with his thumb before giving out a sigh.

"I'm trying to think of things that will keep your heart rate down so you aren't tempted to push your limit so that leaves out a lot of the things you would actually like. I think you need to find some sort of hobby. You said a while ago that you used to draw a lot before camp. Maybe you could try and pick it back up now.

"You could work on the things you actually want when you're at home and focus more on what Dayton wants at work. It could end up subconsciously teaching you that it's only acceptable to zone out while you draw at home instead of at work."

"And you think that would actually calm me down?" I asked skeptically. I know it's been a while since I've drawn just for myself but last time I remember doing it, it was a lot more stressful and frustrating than he was letting on.

"We have to try something. If it doesn't work then text me and we can either brain storm over the phone or you can come in for another session."

"So that's really it then? We're just going to boil all of this down to stress and nothing else?" I can't help but glare when he gives out a small humorless laugh. "I do not appreciate the sarcasm."

"You and Liam are probably the two most naturally stressed people I have ever met in my life. It's not a surprise that it's affecting you like this. I know it may feel like a long time but in less than a year you've left your abuser, found a new home, opened up about a lot of trauma, graduated, was forced to leave the new home, only to get a new home where everything feels like it's falling apart. It's understandable why you would be stressed. Now your body is trying to help by slipping into old bad habits. You used to coup by zoning out and drawing and by working out until you couldn't do anything else but crash. We just have to unlearn everything."

"So to unlearn zoning out to draw, I have to zone out and draw at home?" I asked with a raised eyebrow. Andrew cringed a bit at my question before giving me a small shrug.

"Unless you want to just try and quit all together but I doubt that would work for you."

"I hate this logic so much," I groaned as I leaned my head on the desk.

"I know but it's the best we have. And maybe eventually you can go back to drawing what you want at home and not just zoning out. I'm sure it would actually end up help keep your creativity flow for work."

"Rough estimate, how long do you think this is going to take?"

"There's no way of knowing," he said with a sigh.

I can't help but glare even though he can't see it.

"How did I know you were going to say that?"

"Because you're slowly learning."

We're gonna hope this makes sense. I wrote it mid panic attack.

Last updated July 31, 2021