𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗠𝗲 🤍

•𝗥𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗢𝗿 𝗘𝘅𝗰𝘂𝘀𝗲𝘀?•

•💗•

Nikki's POV, 3rd November 1987

So... this is a chance for me to explain myself or at least attempt too I suppose... I'm an asshole and I won't even deny that, I know the way I speak to Vince sometimes isn't right, I know he's concerned about me, I know he's only trying to help- I only treat him the way I do because I don't want to admit the damage I'm doing not only to myself but to Vin and I's relationship.

I don't mean to pull away from Vince when I'm high, I really don't... it just happens... I know he worries and I worry too. I feel like no matter what I do I'm losing him and it scares me so bad, if I pull away from him when on drugs I'm losing him but I'd lose him if I wasn't on drugs anyways because I'm too fucked up for him.

He deserves better than me but I can't walk away from him because he's the only thing that makes me happy, that makes my life worth it.

Choosing drugs over Vince isn't easy, it really isn't... I wish I had the will to stand up to my addiction but I don't... I really don't... and it frustrates me because he means more to me than drugs ever could but I can't prove that to him, I'm surprised he's still here, I know if I was him I'd have left my deadbeat ass by now.

But he promised me he'd stay with me and a part of me is so thankful that he's keeping to that, I was so used to people breaking promises and abandoning me that having Vin honour that promise meant the entire world to me, it really did.

The drugs weren't meant to have ruled over me like this... they weren't meant to control me, they were meant to have stopped me from doubting myself and my self worth, they were meant to stop me from thinking that Vince was better off without me.

They worked at first... but now they make it worse- I still take them though because for a few minutes I do actually feel better, they actually help and I actually feel like I deserved to be loved as Vince loves me.

For a few seconds I actually feel happy with myself, it makes ruining my life feel worth it. Are these reasons or excuses? I don't know... a bit of both I think.

I try and come up with excuses to make my drug use acceptable but deep in my heart I know it's not worth it, nothing is worth sacrificing my relationship with the man I love but I have to try and justify it because it'll drive me insane otherwise.

I was back in Vince and I's hotel room at this current moment- I'd come straight here after storming off earlier- walking away like that was childish and what I said was a load of bullshit- I needed him more than anything.

When he comes back... if he decides to come back tonight... I wouldn't be surprised if he goes to crash with Tommy tonight judging by his I spoke to him earlier but I hope he comes back because I need to get back onto the same page, I'm not angry at him I just don't like to be challenged on what I'm doing, I know how wrong it is and I feel so ashamed that I've let myself be so consumed by drugs, I get defensive and say things I don't mean- tonight is a class A example of that.

Despite me going on about how much I know drugs are killing me and everything around me, I wasn't ready to go through the pain of rehab, I couldn't. Which is why I'm ringing my dealer right now because I was running low on smack, I had enough cocaine but I needed more heroin and I had to find out whether Tony knew anyone I could see in the next location which is Georgia who can hook me up with the drugs I need, I felt like I was betraying Vince every time I spoke to Tony but I don't have a choice.