𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗠𝗲 🤍

•𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗺𝗶𝘀𝗲𝘀•

•💗•

Nikki's POV, 4th January 1988

It was the next morning, or almost afternoon if you wanna get really technical here and I'm doing okay, nothing more than okay and nothing less than okay, I'm still driving myself insane from telling myself Vince is going to never want to see me again but I'm okay.

I'm still hating myself for what happened and in the course of almost twenty four hours I've completely changed my view on heroin.

I used to see it as my saviour, my saviour from my insecurities and my fear of being happy because to me I didn't deserve it. As I said a while back, it saved me from thinking I'm not good enough, that Vince deserved better- it used to save me from that and shut that voice in the back of my up but now, I see it as a parasite, a parasite I was tricked into thinking it was helping me when really it was dragging me down, it was making me into what I was trying so hard not to become, it's dragging me so far down causing me to hurt the people I love and care about, it's the parasite that's stolen my life from me and almost took the life of my lover too. I just want it gone from my life.

I now feel sick whenever I get the itch to shoot up, to feed my addiction- I'm repulsed by heroin, and repulsed by myself for ever thinking it was helping me.

I'll never be able to get over what I've done while on drugs, now I've accepted what I've done I can't ever forget it- I've made so many mistakes. I've hurt Vince so much, for so long... I always told myself I wouldn't hurt him, I wouldn't because I'm better than how I grew up, I'm better than hurting the ones I love... but that's what I've done, I'm as bad as my mom and that's hard for me to swallow.

Okay, I might not be physically hurting Vince but I've been putting him through emotional torture, breaking his spirit every time I chose to stay in and get high over going out and being together- I've abandoned him just like my parents did to me.

I'm such a fuck up, and don't even say I'm not because I am, how could I do this to him? To anyone for that instance? How can I let myself become like Deana? Abandoning those who love me for my own selfishness.

Oh, yeah and Tommy rang last night and told Mick that Vince was with him, which gave me a sense of relief at least he was safe somewhere and not in some dodgy motel or something.

According to Tom though Vin was a mess, and that made my heart hurt- Mick had relayed all the information he'd got from Tommy back to me and it made me feel worse hearing the things Tommy had told Mick.

Tommy did say though that Vin wants to talk to me today, so I'm glad he wants to try and talk things out and not just blank me but again, I'm just scared that he's going to tell me to fuck off and to never contact him again outside of band commitments.

Mick's going to ring Tommy soon and get a time that I can talk to Vince, and a part of me is expecting him to back out last minute. I doubt Vin will want to see me in person so it'll probably be a phone conversation but I'll take anything at this point.

I'd been sat downstairs with Mick for a couple of hours now, not wanting to stay upstairs on my own and have my thoughts torment me, the guitarist knew why I'd come down so he'd kept me distracted well enough, he's kept me talking which I thank him for.

Time ticked by and eventually the distractions became less and less effective because I knew Mick had to ring T-Bone soon and then I'd at some point have to talk to Vince.