𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗪𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗠𝗲 🤍

•𝗔𝗱𝘃𝗶𝗰𝗲•

•💗•

Nikki's POV, 3rd January 1988

Today doesn't make any sense... it just doesn't... I don't know what happened or how it went so incredibly incredibly wrong.

I don't know why I got so fucked up, Vince left and I just saw the opportunity this morning to get fucked, I naively thought I'd have either passed out or come down from the high by the time he got back but after shooting up heroin mixed with cocaine then not sixty minutes later snort the same drugs in large quantities, what did I actually expect to happen?

I think I got more fucked up today than I have done in a long long time... I always recognise Vince, I always do... no matter how high I never see anyone in Vince's place... he's always the one who saves me from my drug induced hallucinations and paranoia, the light in the dark perilous pit I call a mind.

Vince is always Vince.

Apart from today... and my drug addiction almost caused me to kill the only thing in my life that's worth living for.

If I'd have killed Vince today I don't know what I'd have done, I wouldn't have been able to live without him especially knowing I was the reason he was dead... it's terrifying to think what I could have actually done.

I'm a mess, a total mess knowing that I could be looking at Vince in a body bag right now, then have been sent straight to jail.

I don't blame Vince if he left and didn't come back, he'd be a hell of a lot safer, I never wanted to hurt him... I didn't mean for this, I honestly didn't... I didn't know what to do.

I'm not sure where Vince had gone but if I had to take a guess I'd say he went back to Tommy- me though, I think I was going to go to Mick.

He's become a father figure to me as well as being my best friend- I knew he wasn't going to yell at me for what I'd done, yeah he'd be disappointed but I'd take that over angry, I hate people yelling at me, unless I'm in an argumentative mood but I'm not.

I've always hated being yelled at, always... it just scares me... I hate knowing someone's mad at me, especially someone I love or respect.

To get to Mick's I'd thought of driving but I was a total sobbing mess, as well as still being relatively high, I was in such a state that if I tried to drive it'd be a one way ticket to the afterlife.

So, I settled on walking- it'll take about thirty minutes or so but it's better than the alternative- I left the house and began making my way to Mick's place probably looking insane to passers by because I was just crying but if they knew why I was this distressed then they might not look at me so judgementally, they'd probably fucking run.

If I saw myself and found out what I'd just done then yeah, I'd run too.

I'm scared, I'm scared of myself... I didn't ever fully realise the danger I was when I was high... until now.

It took me almost murdering my boyfriend to find that out, Jesus, Vince was right I'm so fucked up.

When I finally reached Mick's which took less time than I expected but then again I was kinda on autopilot too lost in my own thoughts and despair to even think about the time it took to get here, I got to the front door and knocked frantically knowing Mick hates to be disturbed so I needed to get his attention for him to answer the door.