Take a shot - Minsung

5 - Minho

I wake up, like most days in my bed, some days I find myself on the floor, the couch or the street, it's always nice to end up in my bed, it means I'm safe. The picture of me and Saemin that stand on my bedside table make my feel safe, I have a pictur of my friends, it's facing the table, I don't want to look at it, it just makes me feel bad, that I make them upset.

Yesterday Mr Shin talked to me about therapy and at first I was reluctant but now I want it, I desperately what anything that will make me happy, not want to fill my lungs with tar and my mind on alcohol and nicotine. I want to feel alive, not the way drugs used to make me feel but the was I used to feel, when I was an average high school student, falling in love clumsily for the first time and when I first kissed Jisung, that kind of alive.

Therapy was booked for today, in an hour, Me Shin will be up soon telling my to get ready, I want a cigarette but I don't, I tap my foot on the floor and pick at my nails hoping for some relief, waiting for him to knock, or just walk in, I want to be prepared, I feel like a bird being stalked down by a fox.

He walks in and opens my curtains 'are we going' I ask slightly rushed, too enthusiastic maybe, it made me sound crazy, being excited for therapy, for them to prescribe me, take my bloods, no I can't do that.

I stand up 'I want to go now' I say, he nods his head 'get ready then' he pats my back as he walks out, I get dressed slowly, I feel like how I did in prison, like a caged animal, but this time I have the ills illusion of freedom, I don't know what exactly is my cage, my mind, addiction, both. But either way I feel locked up, like to move would be illegal, to move on unacceptable.

'Hello Minho, I'm Dr Park, you can call me Jinyo if you'd like' she smiles, a friendly smile, one I used to get all the time, she reminds me of my mother, how I used to remember her, years ago. I smile back, I feel calm.

'What should we start with' she says and I sigh, but the way she looks at me like dealers in prison asking me if I was some, the kind of smile that makes you cave. I start from the beginning, and tell he everything, I cry when I get to Saemin and Jisung, I miss them, so I can't lose them both.

'I think you need to talk to your friends try little by little to do what you used to' that's the hard part I don't remember what're was like before that party, before I lost everything, when I first drank alcohol, did drugs, at some random persons house. I try to blame them I try to be angry but I've lost all my hate. I just want things t be normal, no more drugs, no more alcohol and no more smoking.

Thanks for reading as I write this I've just published the story.