first love ⁀➷ y.jw ✓

10

Jungwon and I were at one of the train stops. Waiting for the train to come which was in another 5-10 minutes or so. I stood next to Jungwon as the outside breeze filled the train station, giving my legs chills. I shiver a little but ignore it, because beauty is pain.

I looked good and that's all that matters. Some little breeze can't stop me from looking cute. Jungwon looked down at me with a confused expression.

He was 5'9 while I was only 5'4, I was up to just a little below his shoulders. He had to look down at me while I had to look up if I wanted to make eye contact with him. The height difference doesn't sound that drastic, but when I'm next to him, you can tell he basically almost towers over me.

It was kind of cute. Having to look up at him.

Wait, what? I didn't say that.

These ghosts, man. Possessing my thoughts.

"What's wrong, Hyewon? You have goosebumps everywhere." He frowns a little, looking at me with worry.

"Oh, nothing. The breeze was a little cold. That's all. I can handle it." I assure him.

"Are you sure? Do you want my coat? Do you want me to like... h-hug you?" He stutters at the last sentence.

I chuckle. "It's okay, Jungwon. Don't worry. I'm fine." I repeat to him.

"I can give you my coat if you want, it is a little windy..." His voice trails off.

"It's okay!! I promise." I put my hand on his in reassurance.

He smiles at me and blushes a little.

"Let me know if at any point you're cold. I'd be more than happy to give you my coat, okay?"

"Thanks, Jungwon."

He's seriously adorable.....

I didn't say that.

That wasn't me.

We sat down next to each other on one of the benches to wait.

"Hyewon, do you want my coat? You're wearing a dress, and you're sitting down... I can see old men staring at you..." Jungwon leans into me, whispering into my ear while pointing to a group of older men staring creepily at me.

"It's okay, Jungwon. Thank you." I put my purse on top of my lap with my legs crossed.

"Here. Take it anyway." He takes his coat off and covers my lap and legs with his coat, placing it on top of me.

"Oh. Thank you." I smile at him.

"Probably was a bad idea to wear a dress." I sigh.

"No, don't say that. You can wear whatever you want, it's just the people who make you feel like you can't. It's sad how a lot of men make women feel uncomfortable in their own skin. You look beautiful in that dress, o-okay? Don't let them bother you. You can wear whatever you feel like wearing." He pinches my cheek, his own cheeks turning a slight pink.

I smile wider from his cute, encouraging and empowering speech. My heart fluttered, seeing how genuine he sounded while saying that to me. I quickly shake the butterflies away in my stomach and tell them to go away, making myself snap out of it.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? Am I really getting butterflies from him? This isn't right. I shouldn't be. I don't know what he's doing to me, but it's working. I hate it.

"Thank you, Jungwon. You're really cute." I look at him with kind eyes.

I did it again!!

I just said I hated what he was doing to me yet I was returning the same energy!!!

What's wrong with me???

He breaks eye contact, becoming really shy and flustered; blushing, he breaks out into a smile.

"You really think so?" He chuckles softly.

"I know so." I nod my head.

Not again.

What are you doing, Hyewon?

Stop being a dumb ass.

"You're really, really pretty. I mean- You probably already know that- but you're really beautiful. Everyone knows and sees it. I hope you do, too." He giggled cutely, flashing the dimple that I used to be so in love with.

"You're too sweet. I hope you know you're really handsome, too. I think your looks are different from all the other guys. You're pretty cute yourself." I blurt out.

What the fu-

Not again.

Stop it.

I need to sew my mouth shut.

It's like my mind says one thing but my mouth blurts out the total opposite of what my brain tells me what to do.

Hey, brain, if you're hearing this, fuck you.

All these years, I held a terrible grudge against him. All of these years without him, I hated him with all my guts, but now that he's suddenly back, everything is different. All of that hatred just disappeared once I saw him again after all this time.

It's confusing. My emotions and feelings are all mixed up because of him. I hated being confused, especially about a boy. He wasn't just any other boy, he was my first love.. but I hated being lost and confused. I always knew what I wanted and always knew what I was doing and feeling, but he makes me act the complete opposite.

I don't know what I want.

I absolutely hate feeling confused.

I feel dazed; like those drunk people absolutely intoxicated out of their minds.

I feel drunk and dazed because of him.

The more that I pushed him away, the more I wanted him. He made me feel parched, as if everything in my body was missing; my whole body felt like it was burning because of him. I wanted him, yet I didn't.

Like a fever.