first love ⁀➷ y.jw ✓

37

It was a boring Thursday.. I wasn't doing much today, since all of the girls were busy with their own things.

I woke up a little late, since I was up last night drinking wine while watching K-dramas. Our parents had an alcohol bar on the third floor, so I just sneaked upstairs when Heeseung was asleep.

I was just doing some things around the house, and even more efficiently today, since Heeseung wasn't home the whole day; he was out with Sunghoon and Jay, I think. I had the whole house to myself, which was great. The peace and quiet, and the ability to clean around the house in peace.

Hanging all of my clothes up and folding some into my dresser, I come across the matching teddy bear pajamas that Jungwon and I bought together, to match.

I freeze up, staring blankly at the soft pajamas while getting flashbacks of Jungwon and I. Gripping onto the shirt, my mind begins to replay every single memory with Jungwon; even the bad one at the end.

"You'll be my girlfriend, I promise!"

If only I saw this coming,

Then I would have never fell for him.

Now look at us, we're strangers again.

I gulp, a stinging feeling in my heart. Quickly shoving the pajamas roughly in the dresser, I try to push away all of the thoughts about Jungwon.

It's so hard to get over him.

I know I should hate him, but I really can't.

I've tried. So, so hard.

Ew, am I really feeling angsty over a guy?

Pathetic of me.

His life is falling apart, my ass.

Do you buy your own fancy car while your life is falling apart?

I don't think so.

Whatever, good for him.

To be honest, I wasn't doing well like I've been pretending.

I'm okay during the days, but when I'm alone at night, I go absolutely batshit crazy and start sobbing to myself. Crying, drinking, hurting myself; it was like a new night routine for me.

I've been trying my absolute best to get better and to get over him, but I'm failing.

That's what's making me so fucking angry.

The fact I'm trying with all of my heart but I just can't seem to get better and move on.

Pathetic to admit, but I was really fucked up over him.

The high hopes that he gave me, the special big promises he told me, it all was for nothing.

Even with my friends, I still felt lonely. When Jungwon came back, I finally stopped feeling alone; he gave me that sense of comfort again after years, he gave me the happiness I wasn't able to feel for years because of my parents, he made me truly happy again,

But then he left.

Now here I am, feeling lonely again.

And the fact that I was this messed up over him just made me more angry at myself.

I'm angry at him. I'm so upset at him for leaving, I'm so fucking sad that he left.

I have to forget him, because forgetting him hurts less than blaming him.

I have to move on from him.

I have no choice but to.