first love ⁀➷ y.jw ✓

31

"Hey... it's Jungwon." My body freezes up once I hear his voice.

Gulping hard, I sit up on my bed and he slowly walks over to me, carefully taking a seat next to me on the bed. A slight painful distance between us, we both awkwardly looked at the floor.

"You've lost weight. Have you been eating okay?" I can feel his gaze fixed on me.

"Yeah." I quickly and vaguely respond.

Refusing to make eye contact with him, I keep my eyes glued on the ground.

Even his presence makes my heart hurt.

"Look, I...." His voice trails off.

"I'm sorry I avoided you for days. I... I was thinking to myself." He begins.

"I'm afraid we won't work out, Hyewon."

My heart pangs with a sharp pain, feeling tears form in my eyes but I quickly blink them away.

"But... why?" I try my best to keep my voice stable, though the huge lump in my throat made it difficult for me.

"I thought I was doing good again, I thought that I was finally mentally stable enough to be with you, but I- I was wrong. My life is falling apart, Hyewon," his voice becomes sad.

"I don't want to drag you down with me."

"Don't lie to me, Jungwon." I stand up, looking at him directly.

"Your life was just fine days ago the last time we saw each other. Don't lie to me." My voice cracks.

"My mental health isn't perfect either, but I was still willing to stay with you and fight against all of the bad things with you." Tears roll down my cheeks.

"Tell me the real reason, Jungwon. Why won't it work out, huh?"

He stands up, looking at me with sad yet angered eyes.

"I'm not talking to other girls. I haven't found anyone else. NONE of that shit." He argues.

"I just can't do it. I can't do it with you." He adds on, breaking eye contact with me.

"But why?! We were fine just days ago! What happened?" My voice raises a little bit.

"You promised me so much shit! You promised me you'd make me your girlfriend. You made me fall in love with you just for you to promise me something so big then to break it in the end without telling me why."

"We talked about our future together, Jungwon. We talked about dating then growing up together and getting married. Suddenly you changed your mind?" I wipe my tears, feeling more angry then sad.

"Just tell me why. Tell me why, and I'll forgive you." I look back at him.

"I can't." He whispers.

"I don't have a reason. I just can't. It's not the right time. Not anymore," he shakes his head.

"So suddenly it's not the right time anymore?" I scoff bitterly.

"You can be as mad as you want. You can't change my mind." He looks at me with cold eyes.

My heart breaks even more, seeing the once warm and bubbly Jungwon turn into a stranger, looking at me with cold, distant eyes.

"You're such a jerk, Jungwon." My voice breaks again.

"You broke our promise. You're leaving again, just like when we were kids, huh?" I chuckle bitterly and angrily.

"You should have never made me fall in love with you if this was going to be the outcome." I bite my lip, the pain in my heart becoming unbearable.

"You're too perfect for me, Hyewon," his eyes become glassy, as tears form in his eyes by my surprise.

"I'm no match for you. You're too good for me. I don't deserve someone like you."

"Is that your excuse?" I scoff again, not believing my ears.

"Seriously? You're leaving because I'm too good for you?" I shake my head in disbelief.

"We've been hanging out together for a good month and you're just now suddenly determining that I'm too good for you. You could have at least came up with a better excuse," I say.

"Do you think I enjoy it when random guys on the street come up to you and hit on you wherever we go? Do you think it feels good for me, Hyewon? You're the center of attention everywhere. My heart can't take it. I'm too insecure for a confident girl like you. Everyone wants you and I don't know what to do." He bursts out.

"I don't care about them, Jungwon. All I want is you. I could give a less single shit about the dudes who want me, because all I see in my eyes is you." My eyes soften a little, but stay sharp.

"I'm glad I made you feel that way about me." He coldly, and bluntly says.

"You know what? You can leave. I don't care anymore. Go." I lash out.

"You clearly don't give a shit. So just leave." I step out of the way for him.

I was telling him to leave, but every part of me wished that he stayed.

But he didn't.

"Maybe in another lifetime," he mumbles.

He storms out, slamming my door shut.

Fuck you, Jungwon.

I don't need you.

I was perfectly fine without you all of those years.

It hurts, but I'll get through it.

I have to.

I can't sulk about him anymore.

I have to be the Lee Hyewon. The confident, happy and outgoing girl that everyone knows.

I'll be okay.

Maybe not right now, but I'll be okay eventually.