Virgin Mary

6/The dinner.

Josephine

As I walk into the door my mother doesn't say anything to me as she's on the phone with who knows who but my father stops me as he's about to walk out of the door. "Pull the skirt down." he says and I nod and rush upstairs. I go straight into my room and lock the door, which I've never done before and unpack all my things from the sleepover and then plop onto my bed and muffle my face into my pillow and let the tears overcome me. Mercy has been spamming my phone since I've gotten home but I don't want to speak to her. She promised me, and didn't keep that promise. In some ways, I feel betrayed because if she would of kept to that promise, the scariest moment of my life wouldn't of happened.

I do what I shouldn't do, though it's something I tend to do when I'm not sure what to do. I go into my nightstand and get the lighter. I lean against my door and pull down my bottoms and begin placing the fire sparks in my inner thighs as I let the tears overcome me and my thoughts. I can't stop doing this, as much as I would want to stop I couldn't.

It's not healthy to do in any shape or form. But, self-harming has always been my way to cope since the summer going into sophomore year. I've had enough with my parents and I thought what if I hurt myself more than they've ever hurt me, would I still feel the same pain.

Trust me, I can't tell which is worse.

I just let my cries get the best of me and push my face into my hands as I shut the lighter and slam it back into my drawer.

It's around 10am and I won't having anything else to do today so I decide to change into grey sweatpants and a light blue hoodie and pull my hair into a high ponytail. I lay on my bed and turn on the car show me and my dad watch everyday after church. It's been like that every sunday since I was little, it was our thing.

The car show always interested me, but recently it just isn't as interesting anymore. Maybe because the past two sundays he has come to church with us then leave to go who knows where, so we haven't gotten to watch it. Whatever, I didn't want to watch it anyways.

Usually I spend today with Mercy, but I don't know how I'm going to come back from what happened with her. I want to do something to keep me busy from letting my emotions overcome me, but I'd rather be up here alone then downstairs with my mother. I mean I guess I could go downstairs to see what happens, but I don't know how it will go but I mind as well try.

Before I head downstairs, I head into my bathroom and wipe the tears off my face before I head downstairs. I walk into the living room to her still on the phone and I go to speak but she places a hand in front of me to pause myself before I say anything. I just nod and go into the kitchen and get myself a glass of water. I'd love to go to the cafe, or I'd love to go hangout with Mercy, but I can't. I don't have any other friends, I mean I have Olivia and Jess but I'm not super close them and it would feel odd if I just hung out with them. I just sigh and head back upstairs.

I set my glass on my nightstand and turn my tv on to a music playlist and I go over to my bookshelf and pull out a book and begin to read it, reading always helps me. It feels as it's an escape from the real world and I can imagine the characters in my story in their own story. It's so much better than real life.

After what feels like the rest of the day, but it's only 3pm, I finished my book so I put it back in my bookshelf and just sit there and reflect. The main character, new to the world and met a group of guy best friends then fell in love with one of their brothers, then he broke her. More than anyone has ever hurt her before, but she still was falling for him. Lost all her friends and then lost him and was by herself with no happily ever after. Is that how reality of things really are? How love isn't always the perfect story people exclaim it to be. I know from my parents marriage, it's far from that. Then, my door opens to my mother which catches me out of my thoughts. "Hey." she says coming in and sitting next to me on my bed. I gulp, "Hi, who were you talking to?" I ask playing with my fingers.