AVS 1: Catching Flights

VII

Chapter 7 : Letter

We enjoyed the day doing some swimming and sunbathing. Wala kaming itinerary kaya kung anu-anong maisipan lang ang ginagawa namin. I am currently sitting in a lounge chair sipping my cocktail under an umbrella nang magsalita si Liya na nakahiga sa katabing lounge chair. "So ano plano mo sa pinsan ko?"

Sinipat ko siya na nakahiga pa rin habang tumitingin sa dagat na nasa harapan namin. "Last week, desidido akong i-pursue siya, pero matapos no'ng sinabi ni ate? Hindi ko na alam." I sighed as I removed the glasses from my eyes and placed them on top of my hair. Nakwento ko kasi sa kaniya ang maliit na discussion na nangyari sa amin kanina nina Doll sa kwarto.

"You know, sabi ko naman sa 'yo, habulin mo ang lahat ng lalaki huwag lang ang pinsan ko. Masasaktan ka lang do'n panigurado. Walang puso 'yon. Kaya huwag ka na umasa, sa iba nalang." I nodded and rested my back on the chair. Hindi ko alam kung mali nga ba ang desisyon ko kay Clay pero halos lahat sila alam man nila o hindi ang nararamdaman ko kay Clay, parang pinapahiwatig sa akin na masasaktan ako kalaunan.

Pero that's the point of loving, isn't it? To love is to feel pain, kasi hindi mo tynay na mahal ang tao kung hindi ka nasasaktan. Anyway, I am in no way a fan of hurting oneself. Para kasing binibigay na sa akin ng mga bituin ang sign na habang maaga pa, tigilan ko na para hindi ako masaktan. Yet, I have never felt anything like this for someone in the years of my existence. I never really told anyone about my real feelings for Clay, pero hindi kasi ito ang tipong simpleng paghanga lang.

I don't even think that this is a mere happy crush anymore. I can't stop thinking about him even on my busiest days, the butterflies I feel whenever he's near my proximity or kahit makita ko lang siya, the rush of excitement when our eyes meet. There are some feelings I cannot even name whenever I see him. Like an awakened part of me that I didn't even know existed.

But then, upon pondering for a while, hahayaan ko na nga lang ba talagang ma-miss ang opportunity na ipaalam ang nararamdaman ko? I have read countless regrets, done a thousand of what ifs and I refuse to accept every possible angle of missing an opportunity, especially when it is almost at my fingertips. This is a huge risk to take, I know, yet somehow I find comfort in the thought of accepting the risk and actually doing it.

Kaya naman, nang magsimula ang pangalawang taon ko sa PATTS ay hindi na ako nagdalawang isip pa na gumawa ng paraan para mapaalam kay Clay ang nararamdaman ko. I first thought of cornering him and confessing right away, but that would be too excessive. So I settled in writing him a heartfelt letter.

Dear Clay,

I am writing this letter with hopes of taking an opportunity to tell you what I truly feel. This may seem as a preposterous thing to do, yet I cannot think of other things just to let you know what I truly feel about you.

I hope this letter of mine finds you well. I want to tell you that you inspire me a lot. Your desire to achieve your goals and your deep rooted passion for your craft have fueled my desire to do well on the field that I chose. You served not only as an inspiration to me but have also been the key to know what I truly want made me brave to fight for it. You may be oblivious to it but you made me feel things I did not feel before. You awakened a part of my soul that I don't know has existed. It has been restless since then. Urging me to let out my feelings for you, so here I am laying it all out at your disposal. You have created butterflies in my stomach that by a mere sight of you, my whole insides would tremble. I feel that if I look at you a little longer than I have been allowed, a butterfly would straight up come out of my mouth. You made me feel excited that I cannot even think properly on how to interact with you because all of me just screams out your name. I cannot hold myself back on wanting to be held by you. That I cannot fathom a day without you in my sight. You have always been on my fingertips yet somehow you always find a way to slip and go further away. I hope that one day, even if you don't feel a tinge of like or love for me, you'll still look at my way the way I hoped it would be. I know I may be asking for too much just by asking you to give a piece of your attention to me, but I just can't help myself especially with all these pent up feelings for you.

It feels weird writing cringe-worthy stuff but I do not have enough bright ideas on how to tell you these without getting all red and shy. I wish I could tell you more, detailing all of my feelings but words aren't enough to tell them nor will it suffice all the roller coaster of emotions that I feel towards you. But I hope that through this letter, you can get a glimpse of my heart that only beats out your name.

Love,

Ash Grace

Pikit mata kong binasa ulit ang ginawang letter para sa kaniya. I folded the letter in three parts before planting a soft kiss on it and slightly wished for it to be effective. I placed it in a nice pink envelope covered with shiny designs before hugging it for the last time. Hindi ko alam kung sasapat ba 'tong mga nasa sulat ko pero sana kahit papaano ay makarating sa kaniya ang nais kong iparating.

"Liya! Psst, favour naman oh," bulong ko kay Liya habang kumakain kami sa canteen Alpha. Magkatabi kasi kami habang si Doll ay nasa harapan namin katabi si ate at nakikipag-usap dito. "Ay 'te, add kita sa gc namin want mo? Para makita mo kagagahan niyang kapatid mo," rinig ko pa ang sulsol ni Doll sa kapatid kong tahimik lang na sumusubo ng pagkain niya. "Mute mo nalang! Basta add kita a!" Masigla nitong dagdag na ipinagkibit lang ni ate ng balikat. Hindi ko na pinuna pa iyon lalo na at naniningkit ang mga mata ni Liya habang tumitingin sa akin.

"Anong pabor 'yan Aisling Grace? Kapag 'yan delikado, ikaw talaga sisisihin ko kapag may nangyaring masama sa akin." Pabiro ko siyang hinampas at sinamaan ng tingin bago kinuha ang envelope mula sa loob ng bag ko. " 'No 'yan? Love letter? Kanino galing?" Usisa nito.

Inilahad ko sa kaniya ang envelope ng palihim at bumulong ulit. "Pakihulog naman sa bag ni Clay oh, please. Huwag mong basahin basta ilagay mo lang kung saan niya makikita agad pagkauwi."

Ayaw pa sanang pumayag ni Liya sa pabor ko pero dahil sa pangungulit ay pumayag na rin siya kalaunan. "O siya! Sige na nga, dahil love kita. Promise, hindi ko babasahin. Ako pa tuloy mamo-mroblema ngayon paano ako aaktong ninja mahulog lang ito sa bag niya. Pero huwag kang mag-alala, makakarating ito sa kaniya."

I heaved a sigh upon hearing her assurance. At least, nabgako siyang hindi niya babasahin so kami lang ni Clay ang makakaalam if ever. 'Saka may tiwala ako kay Liya. May isang salita siya kaya maaasahan kong mamaya ay mababasa na ni Clay ang sulat. I just really hope that everything will turn out fine.