Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

4 | Down

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 14

Bakugou has definitely been observing me. It worries me, and especially now because I've started to limp again after the beating I got today. But it isn't just Bakugou. The rest of the class... I feel like they've been looking at me differently. Almost everyone has asked me if everything's okay, and the fact that I don't know what specifically caused them to start asking that is killing me. Let me think. What's different about me?

I guess I've been feeling pretty down. For the past few months, I've felt like this, but it's been a lot more noticeable as of late. I kind of feel this weird feeling of constantly being alone, even if I'm not. I wouldn't say I'm sad, but I know I'm not happy. So, what do I feel? Neither happiness nor sadness, but the feeling of not feeling right. Then again, I haven't been in a place to feel happy for a long time, and I used to constantly feel sad. I don't understand my own feelings. At the sports festival, I felt nothing but anger and hatred. I was annoyed when people were in my way, and all I had on my mind was winning, not using my left half to reject Endeavor and his quirk, and Mom. I know this power is mine and mine alone, but I can't help but hate the fact that I got half of it from the bastard that beats me. And I hate myself for putting Mom through so much hell just by existing.

Endeavor's started to viciously berate me and degrade me a lot more. Earlier today, he told me that no one would be sad if I died because no one cries over trash being thrown away. That's how insignificant I am in this world. How little I amount to. How much of a failure I am. These kinds of statements aren't unusual, but he's been so much more brutal with them. It hurts. Am I really that worthless? I've been starting to see the truth behind his words. It makes me feel very, very alone. "Mistake." The burn on my face is enough proof of that.

I haven't bothered to eat lunch at all. I'm not hungry. Though, knowing that there's something in my stomach makes me nauseous when I think about lying in a puddle of my vomit again. Everything feels like a laborious task to be fulfilled to ultimately achieve nothing in the end, but I'm usually hungry all the time. It's difficult. I want to eat a lot to preserve my strength, but I also hate eating anything when I know I'll probably soil my clothes with it later because of Endeavor. Whenever that happens, Endeavor tells me that trash doesn't need to eat, and to take it as a reminder that I'm a waste of resources.

Yaoyorozu asked me why I haven't been eating lunch lately, and if something was going on, and I panicked. I said I ate more in the mornings and wasn't quite hungry again by lunch. What a terrible lie... I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea. But I do get sick fairly often, and when I'm sick, I usually feel too nauseous to eat. But I still have to train and take the beatings. It's torture. I think I might be sick.

I guess I've also been paying attention less. I detach from reality without thinking about anything in particular, yet I end up lost in thought. That weird place in my head sounds like a better place than reality. Blank. Free. Empty. Fresh.

I still don't understand, though. What's making them ask me if I'm okay? Who's noticed what? Is it one glaring thing? Are there a few things that stand out more than the rest? Do they all have different things they see wrong in me? What is it? Is it how I look? Do I look down? I don't think there's anything different in my reflection. I don't understand. What are they aware of, and why can't I figure that out?