Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

25 | Unfazed

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, harassment, or substance abuse.

Day ???

It's been quite a few months since I've written in here. Nothing major happened, I don't think. Well, except for one thing. I almost forgot that this diary existed, though. I started looking through my dusty desk, and I stumbled upon this notebook again. Two poems fell out accidentally. I believe the ones that fell out were "Candle" and "On the Stage."

Midoriya called me because Fuyumi died a few days ago in an accident. I knew talking to him would be a waste of time. He asked me how I was doing, and he was worried because I wasn't fazed by Fuyumi's death. I pretended like I cared about Endeavor when he died, but I find feigning my feelings to be a waste of energy. I don't care if it worries them. This is who I am. There's no changing that. If they don't like me for who I am, I'm fine with that, but it's exhausting to pretend to be someone I'm not.

I'm still with Katsuki. Mom is still at home. Natsuo is still in college. I got incredibly drunk one night and ended up getting into a fight with Katsuki because I refused to put the alcohol down, so, after that, I promised him I'd stop drinking alcohol. I've mainly kept to that promise. I still smoke every now and again, and it's definitely taken a toll on me. As for the drugs, I'm still doing them frequently. Somehow, everything sounds appealing when I'm high, and no matter what I do, it just feels good. They're very addicting. I tell myself "one more" and end up never being able to stop.

When I was informed that Fuyumi died, I didn't have a reaction. I was unfazed, and I still am. It really didn't matter to me. Why would it? There's no point in grieving over something that was inevitable. Why impede your own functionality and well-being over ineluctable things? No amount of tears can change the past.

I understand why people feel what they feel, and I understand what they're feeling and why, but personally, I don't feel any of it. Yet, people go on and on about emotions making people human, and emotions being what separates us from animals. It's good to grieve in your own way. It's good to express yourself. It's good to let yourself feel. I just see it as a waste of time. I wonder how many times I've said "waste of time" throughout this notebook. Besides, emotions add unnecessary bias to things, and they make others distracting in their own ways.

Mom's been crying every day. I've tried to comfort her, but I can tell it disturbs her that I'm not sad. That I'm not grieving. That I can live all the same as though nothing ever happened. Being the person she is, she keeps trying to take care of everything like she used to, but she always ends up crying. So, I've been taking care of things at home for her. I'd rather not, but while Fuyumi's death might not make me sad, that doesn't mean I want to watch Mom suffer in her grief and agony. I could, and I wouldn't bat an eye, but I'm not a sadist. What am I? Who am I? I don't really know anymore.

Katsuki has been keeping a close eye on me. I guess he's afraid that I'm going to end up getting myself killed over some reckless thing. Frankly, I don't know how I'm still alive. But Katsuki has tried to talk me into seeing a therapist or professional, but I don't see a point. I realize how much time I wasted in the past because of my emotions. I cried over such foolish things and wasted so much time pleasing others that I ended up feeling so empty and depressed. I'm incredibly efficient now. I don't have any emotions holding me back or weighing me down. This is what I wanted, and yet, others rebuke me for being like this.

People have been asking me why I'm a hero. I don't know anymore. I don't feel like a hero. I don't want to save people to save them. I'm saving them because that's what I chose to do with my life. Can you still call me a hero when I can't even make myself believe that I care about other people?