Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

26 | Anything

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, harassment, or substance abuse.

Day 23

Twenty-three days have passed since I last wrote in here. I tried to make myself sad, and nothing worked. Happy, sad, angry... I don't feel anything. It's been like this for so long. It just feels like my feelings disintegrated into nothing. Why? How did this happen? I remember being depressed and sad, and that led to emptiness and numbness, and now...

I feel like my life is meaningless. My classmates aren't nearly as close to me as they were before, save for Katsuki, Midoriya, and Yaoyorozu. I don't know why I'm here. I focus so heavily on being good and efficient at what I do, but even so, I don't get any satisfaction from doing a good job or working towards a future that I have no plans for. It makes me wonder how much others would truly care if I vanished from existence one day. Dying isn't a solution, but it also is a solution.

I think people would be happy if I disappeared. People criticize me for lacking empathy. I don't mind, and they can think whatever they want. It's pretty well-known that I didn't care when my sister died. People assume I'm a heartless person that will cut down anyone in my way, but that's just not true. They look down on me for being who I am. For being a heartless hero. For not being a "normal" human being.

That's been a push for me to try and feel something again. But I just don't feel the things I used to. They started out so strong and bright, and then they fizzled out into nothing. Just like a candle.

My bad habits have been getting worse as time has gone on. Once school is over for the day, I get high. After dinner, I get high again. It's so addicting. I want more. When I'm high, I usually forget about not being able to feel anything otherwise. I never should've gotten into drugs, because I can't stop. I shouldn't be wasting my time and money on this, but I am. I try to limit myself, but I crave more. I think I'll ask Katsuki to help me, because this is interfering with my work.

I did recently write a poem, but I may or may not have been high while writing it initially.

Playing Surgeon

A body damaged from inside.
The cause is that the patient lied.
Their health is deteriorating fast.
Their stable condition simply won't last.

Lively eyes close up into a daze.
Anesthetics induce a dark haze.
The patient drifts off into sleep.
Incisions let the tools dig deep.

The sleeping patient is ever numb.
Blades dig deeper as the machines hum.
Like a doll, the patient has no control.
The surgeon will extract the patient's soul.

Tissues were slashed and veins avoided.
Side effects go to the patient's head.
They will never know what transpired.
The surgeon avoids being fired.

Bits and pieces slowly cut free.
After all, the patient can't see.
Cuts for correction.
Blissful dissection.

The patient sleeps while the surgeon smiles.
The patient will be faced with new trials.
The surgeon's work is still not done.
The surgeon's fun has just begun.

What a sad excuse for a poem.

You might not even see how unhealthy you are until the effects are severe. You can't see what goes on inside of you. Life cuts you open to expose it all and remove what's unnecessary. It's almost as though someone else dictates what happens to you, despite it all still being your choice in the end. But some things happened that were unaccounted for, and you had no control over them. Life forces you to make those critical corrections to survive, but all you can do is sleep and let an undesirable state consume you. In the moment, it might not hurt, but the side effects are usually what end up being the most deadly. But life is never done torturing you.

Doing the same things every day while being ridiculed by others has become very tiring. I don't know what my purpose is. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I decide to wake up again at all. I don't know. Even if I keep searching for answers, is it worth it? I know I'll probably feel the same, even if I find the answers I'm looking for. So...

Is it worth it to continue living?