Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

22 | Hospital

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, harassment, or substance abuse.

Day 152

Not a lot has happened...until recently. I tried some drugs to try and get a good feeling from it, but I accidentally overdosed. Being high is a strange feeling. I kind of liked it. I didn't really feel what I thought I'd be feeling, but it was better than absolutely nothing. I guess Fuyumi found me, and I ended up in the hospital. I remember my heart beating like bolts of lightning, and not being able to stop shaking. For a while, my hands wouldn't stop shaking, no matter what I did.

Fuyumi was worried, angry, and confused. She scolded me for doing drugs in the first place. I said I didn't blame her, and that I was sorry for the trouble I'd caused. She hugged me and said she was glad I was okay, and that she was sad that I felt the need to get high. She asked me if I felt okay, and I said that I was. Fuyumi is convinced that I'm depressed and either denying it or trying to hide it. Maybe I am. I really don't know anymore. Am I oblivious to what depression really feels like? Is that what it is? No. It can't be. I know what it's like, and I'm not in that dark part of my life anymore.

When I told Katsuki about my trip to the hospital, I said I didn't intend to get as high as I did, and I didn't think he'd believe me, but he did. He asked me again if I valued my life, and just to see his reaction, I said that I did. He hesitated, but as expected, he called me out on my bullshit. He asked if I cared about other people rather than if I valued the lives of the people close to me. I said it was a difficult question that I wasn't sure of. Then, he asked if he meant anything to me. I said he did.

If I'm being completely honest, I don't care about Katsuki.

You'd think I would after all he's done for me. I don't care about anyone. It sounds selfish and rude, but no matter how hard I try, I can't even convince myself that I do. To me, other people are expendable, disposable, and replaceable. Obviously, no one can be someone else, but their assumed role can be replaced. Someone else could even replace Endeavor as both my father and number one hero. It wouldn't be very likely to fill both roles at once, but it's not impossible.

But I know I used to care about my friends and my family. I know it wasn't always like this. I know... Yet, in some ways, it's simply better off this way. Isn't this what I wanted? I wanted the pain to be gone. I didn't want to feel sad. I wanted to feel happy, but since I couldn't have that, I wanted to numb myself to it all. I don't feel anything. It doesn't hurt. My curiosity is what's killing me, so I might as well be a cat. I can't seem to escape from deliberately causing myself my own pain. I can't help but wonder what it's like to feel again. I want to try and experience those feelings again. Is it wrong of me to want to find meaning in my own life?

Since I tore my emotions apart, it feels like nothing has any meaning.