Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

6 | Fatigued

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 15

Before I left for school, Endeavor reminded me that the world would do well not to waste its resources on something that doesn't deserve to be alive. He was referring to me, of course. He told me to remind myself of that every day before leaving the house.

I can't get the events of yesterday out of my head. Bakugou knows more than he's letting on. The tone he used... I hate it. All I could think about was Endeavor. I was ready for him to beat the shit out of me, even though he's my classmate. But he could easily blackmail me with this kind of information. What am I thinking? What reason would he have to do that? Idiot. If I don't say who it is, I'll have all that information found out by others. He could easily do that. Shit. Endeavor drilled into my head that if anyone commands me to do something, then to do it. But I don't think Bakugou would do that.

Midoriya asked me if my leg was okay. I thought I'd done a fairly good job at hiding the limp, but I guess I'm never good enough to assume those kinds of things. He said I could see Recovery Girl, but I figured that I'd end up accidentally visiting her soon enough. He looked worried and said that I seemed fatigued. He's not wrong. He asked me if everything was okay, and I said I was fine. He said that I can talk to him about anything if I ever felt like it. He's very kind. But...it makes me wonder what I can do to hide the truth more effectively. Efficiency and practicality...

I sat with Yaoyorozu, Uraraka, and Tsu at lunch. Yaoyorozu asked me how my day was, and it made me realize just how many things I have to lie about. She said she's glad to see me, and that the classroom doesn't feel right when I'm gone. I think she was blushing a little. Tsu and Uraraka complimented me a lot on trivial things. I know they were genuine with their compliments. That doesn't mean I agreed with them, though.

Yaoyorozu commented on how I wasn't eating lunch again, so I ate some soba, but I just felt nauseous eating it. I had to abruptly excuse myself from the table for the bathroom, but I felt terrible because Yaoyorozu looked so happy to be talking to me. When I came back, Uraraka was elbowing Yaoyorozu, and Yaoyorozu was definitely blushing. I don't understand girls. Tsu asked me if I was good, so I nodded, but I was breathing a bit faster than usual. Uraraka elbowed Yaoyorozu again after that. I think Yaoyorozu said, "No, I'm sure it wasn't that!" I've never seen someone blush so much before. I really don't understand.

Once class was over, Bakugou wanted to speak with me. Like Midoriya, he said I looked like I was pretty damn fatigued. I woke up exhausted, and I thought about skipping class, but I didn't want to risk being caught. I really didn't want to get out of my futon. All day, I felt like I was trying to walk through heavy snow barefooted. But he said that he'd ask one more time: what's going on? Of course, I lied. He shook his head and said that was all for today.

But I feel like writing a poem right now.

Dream

Birds beckon from the beyond.
From this pain will I abscond.
The world wants me to stay here.
Their pain is what I most fear.

Flying, flying...
Flying away.
Rising, rising...
I cannot stay.

The numbing wind envelops me.
The world fades to obscurity.
I know they're calling out my name.
My existence brings only shame.

Would it be better to disappear?
If I do, I want them all to cheer.
Am I allowed to take an early bow?
Please just forget about me here and now.

With the cold wind, I wish to fly.
I meet the sky, but they all cry.
Why are they not happy about this choice?
For my disappearance should they rejoice.

The birds shield me from the cries below.
Why can't this end like a happy show?
I'm only damaging the world more.
But they do not wish for me to soar.

If they all hated me, I'd be okay.
My end would absolutely make their day.
Without me, they'd only laugh and smile.
That is the dream I've had for a while.

But my dreams are only dreams.
Reality tears their seams.
They are my reason to fly and to stay.
The pain of existing won't go away.