Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

13 | Experiment

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 78

I wrote another poem a few days ago. It's titled as "On the Stage" because I made a title before writing the poem, but I don't really want to change the title now that I'm done. It's not that I like the title, but it's good enough.

It's exhausting to keep tailoring my preferences to what everyone else wants. To keep saying the things that will make them happy. I write it all out just for them. But I've started to forget the things that make me happy. It all feels the same. What I like, what they like... I don't know what I like anymore. Again, it all just feels the same. I've muddled it all together. All the colors I used to see have amalgamated into one. They're all still there, but you can't pick them apart anymore from the whole. Who knew one lie would grow into a pair of chains you can't escape from? When I'm lying for them, it's like I have the eyes of everyone on me while my lies pour down over my head; they just see the light. I'd say more about this poem, but I don't want to explain everything.

It's the start of summer vacation today, and I promised my friends that I would come back to school just fine when it's over. Though, I did lie to Bakugou since he's been trying to find the person that's abusing me. He asked me if I was in a relationship while he was bandaging some of my wounds, and I asked him if he thought I was in one. He was a little pissed. But he said I had to really fucking hate myself if I was going to make it hell for him to put an end to the abuse. I told him he had the wrong idea. He rolled his eyes, so I smiled a bit and hugged him. Since Midoriya's hugs seem to be very effective on others, I thought I'd try it on Bakugou. He didn't say anything. He just stared at the floor with a scowl.

Just to experiment a bit, I said that Bakugou looked cute like that; Midoriya and I casually flirt sometimes. I find flirting to be odd and impertinent when I'm not in a relationship with anyone, but Midoriya likes it. Bakugou gave me a death glare, but he asked me why the fuck I went from being cold and quiet to expressive and flirty. I said I just felt like it. He said I'd break a lot of goddamn hearts if I did that to everyone, but I'm only flirty with my closest friends. Yaoyorozu certainly likes it when I flirt with her. I never realized how well I'm able to lure someone into forgetting what we were talking about prior to when I started flirting with them. So, I've started to do it casually with the people I'm closest to so it doesn't seem like I'm trying to target the flirting at specific situations. Yet, it seems like I'm treating everyone as an experiment.

When I got home from school, Endeavor pinned me against the wall and started to kick the shit out of me. He told me to cut both of my wrists four times. I knew he'd do it himself plus additional damage if I refused, so I cut my wrists lightly. He said that if I really knew myself, I should know that suicide is what's best for me. I can't say I disagree, but it's not what's best for my friends. I know they'd be devastated, and I know they care about me. The problem is...I'm beginning to question how much I care about them. My time with them all feels the same. All I'm doing is trying to cover up the truth. But Endeavor then added that if I hate him and what he's doing, then to just kill myself. I told him that I don't hate him, because I don't, and that I've accepted that no matter what I do, he's going to beat me. He told me that I am not his son, and I thought he would give me one final beating, but he walked away instead.

I contemplated hanging myself in front of him to see what he would do, but I ended up drinking alcohol for the first time instead. It wasn't a lot because I didn't want to come to the realization that I drank too much. The first sip was appalling, but the cold burn was nice, I guess. I do feel a little weird. But I don't mind drinking. I wonder what else I could experiment with.