Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

28 | Goodbye

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, harassment, or substance abuse.

Day 44

I've decided to end it. It's not because I can't take it. It's not because I want to die. It's not because I want to escape. No. I just don't see a point in living. There are people that abhor the fact that I'm aspiring to be a hero. That doesn't necessarily mean they're the reason why I'm doing this. I couldn't care less about what anyone thinks of me or how I impact them. It sounds selfish, doesn't it? Not very heroic, right? Coldhearted, hm? I tried to regain the feelings I'd erased, but no matter what I do, I can't. I'm not sure what to call it. Being emotionally numb? I don't know. I know I'm human, but I don't feel like one anymore.

I'm not normal. I still have a sense of what's "right" and what's "wrong," but I don't have a preference. Whichever is more effective for accomplishing what I want. The majority thinks that there's something wrong with me. I don't disagree. They're right. I'm not normal. That doesn't mean I had to have been alienated, but that's what happened. There's nothing that can be done about that.

If this world doesn't want me here, I'll leave. I don't have a reason to stay, but I have a reason to leave. It makes sense why I'm doing this, right? I can't find a reason to stay here, but others can find a reason for me to leave. Of course, not everyone has explicitly told me to die, but their disgust for who I am contributes to my reason to exit this world. If all I am is a burden that people hate for existing when I'm supposed to be a hero that saves others, then they can have what they want. Fair enough. I understand. I'll get rid of the issue—me.

I'm curious about death too. Will I awaken as a spirit? Will I be reincarnated? Or will I simply be terminated? It's odd to consider the last question. Going from being alive to not even having the capacity to be aware of the fact that you're dead. You don't exist. There's nothing. You're gone. When you think about dying, you usually think about becoming a spirit of some sort and observing the world or some other realm. In some way, still being able to see and experience things. But what if you simply ceased to exist? Where you would see nothing, feel nothing, and there would be nothing? It's very odd to consider.

But perhaps Endeavor had a major impact on what happened to me. After all, I wanted to become stronger and be able to tolerate his abuse and insults without batting an eye, and that's what I learned to do. It took a long time, but I dismantled myself to put myself back together into someone I can't say I'm proud of, but someone so much stronger than the previous person here. After all, this is still why I'm currently dead.

I got tired of hiding behind a mask of being "normal." I tried my best to blend in as a "normal person" to avoid this situation, but humans are good at sensing that something is rotten beneath the superficially normal surface. So, why bother acting normal anymore?

Katsuki, you'll likely be the first to find me. My dorm isn't locked. If you're reading this, Katsuki, then I'm sorry. I still don't have feelings for you. I wanted to believe that I did, though. But I think our relationship was my own sense of "loving" someone, even if it wasn't love. That's what my version of love is to me. You were very kind to me. You made life pleasant. You were my best friend. I'm sure it hurts to read the truth, but I truly did appreciate our moments together. At first, I didn't like any part of the affection you were showing me. Now... It's one of the few things I know I like. Maybe if I'd stuck around longer, I would've finally developed feelings for you. While you might not have been able to make me feel anything, you did show me that it's not impossible to develop a liking for something that I previously disliked. Thank you, Katsuki. And thank you for taking care of me. I liked being snuggled up against you in bed. I liked it when you would hug me. I liked your smile. I liked how you'd massage my shoulders. I liked being with you, Katsuki. To me, our relationship wasn't a waste of time. Thank you, Katsuki.

Mom and Natsuo, I know I'm doing this when Endeavor and Fuyumi didn't die very long ago. Please be strong. Natsuo, take care of Mom for me. Mom, thank you for the memorable moments we shared, and thank you for supporting me. If we do become spirits when we die, maybe we can all see the fireworks in the summer again. I'll never forget that.

None of you are at fault for what I'm doing. In the end, this was my decision that I made of my own volition. I'm not depressed. I don't know what or who I am. What am I when I can't seem to feel anything? But please, have no grief or pity for me. While I did hit my lowest point from depression, it's not like that anymore. I don't know exactly what happened to me, but you all saw the change before I did. Why am I like this? I don't exactly know. The changes were happening to me, yet I didn't even notice them for quite a while. What was it that made me so cold? I guess I'll never know.

Goodbye, everyone.