Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

17 | Emotionless

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 108

Ten days of summer vacation left. I'm surprised that Endeavor hasn't made every waking moment a living hell for me. It's honestly been some of the most peaceful days I've seen in a long, long time. I've been able to heal, train on my own time, eat without Endeavor interfering with it later on, and I visit Katsuki fairly frequently for a change in atmosphere. Besides, Katsuki doesn't beat me for existing. He's very kind to me when he wants to be. I don't love him like he loves me, though. No matter how many times we hug and kiss, I just don't feel the same way. But I can act like I love him.

Endeavor has beaten me for leaving overnight before, but I'm inclined to believe he likes it when I'm gone. I guess it works out in both of our favors. I figured he would take every opportunity to see to it that I shattered on the floor this summer, but he hasn't. He's had moments of giving me intense, excruciating beatings, but it's much more preferable to what I'd been thinking.

He's been acting very strange. Sometimes, he leaves and doesn't come back until the next day. It's odd, but it's none of my business. Out of curiosity, I asked him why he was so lax about my beatings, but, as expected, he beat me for that. He told me to stay out of it and to never speak to him again.

He kicked me into the wall until my lunch ended up all over the floor, and he then asked me if I hated him. I said I didn't, so he bashed my hips with his foot while I did my best to stifle all my sounds of agony. He asked me the same question, and I gave him the same answer. Then, he grabbed my wrist and slit it with a shard of glass. He dug his nails into the fresh wound, and it fucking hurt. It hurt. My blood dripped down my arm to my elbow, and it stained the floor in crimson. I was trembling and whining from the pain, but I wasn't even mad at him for what he was doing. But Endeavor did something he's never done before: he started to cry. Then, he let me go. I didn't run. I just stayed there. He told me to hit him, so I did. He hit me back. I didn't do anything. He hit me again, and he told me to hit him if I wanted to, but I didn't feel like wasting my energy on him. So, he hit me again. And again. And again, and again...

"You are not my son. You're not even human..."

I wasn't sure what to make of his final statement. I'm human. What else would I be? Yet, sometimes, I don't feel human. Or, maybe, a human body and an inhuman mind. I don't know.

I asked Bakugou if he thought I was human, and he said that I obviously was. He asked me why I asked, and I admitted that Endeavor said I wasn't human. Bakugou told me not to believe "that shitty bastard's bullshit" because Endeavor is abusive. Endeavor might be abusive, but that doesn't mean there isn't truth behind some of what he's told me. Oh. I wrote "Bakugou" again. Bad habit. Regardless, I also asked Katsuki why Endeavor might have said that I'm not human, and Bakugou said his guess was that I seem like I'm emotionless.

But that's not true...is it?