Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

11 | Sad

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 73

I've thought about this for a while, but I have to be strong. I need to be able to get through this. Tough it out. Erase the dark thoughts and feelings. Get rid of them. I don't need them. Bakugou told me that if I don't do something about the fact that I'm being abused, that he's going to personally see to it that he finds the person beating me. I can't do anything about the fact that Endeavor beats me. I can't do a single thing but take the beatings. I really do feel helpless sometimes.

Ignore the pain. It's fine. I really do want to die, but I don't want to give Endeavor what he wants. When I went home for the weekend, he used the jagged glass from a broken bottle to cut into my arms. He made them deep. It looks like I did it to myself. I guess I deserve it, but it doesn't feel the same when someone else is doing it to me. He said that if I have any sense of dignity, I'll take this as an opportunity to kill myself. I wanted to. I really fucking wanted to. I wanted to take his advice and slit my wrists to be done with this hell, but I just gave him a cold stare. I told him that if he wanted me dead that badly, then to do it himself. He gave me another beating that made me want to die to escape the agony. It's so normal. I'm not even bothered by it. I used to want to find some way to get revenge for the childhood and life he stole from me and burned to ashes in front of me. I was furious. I hated him. I wished I had the strength to give him just a fraction of the pain he made me suffer through.

It's not like that anymore. I've honestly felt indifferent towards it all for a while. It's like I'm looking through a pair of eyes that see only hues of gray. He can beat the shit out of me all he wants, but I never have the urge to retaliate like I used to. I let him have what he wants, but I know he likes to see my tormented expressions, so I've been doing my best not to seem like I'm in pain at all. I can see the anger and annoyance on his face, but for some reason, it doesn't satisfy me like I thought it would. I ignore him. Sure, he beats me for that sometimes, but I don't really care.

But my friends are worried about me. They keep bringing up how I haven't smiled in a long time, so I gave them what they all wanted. I smiled. I'm sure it looked pitiful. It still hurts to pretend like I'm happy for them when I feel so empty on the inside. I know they're still skeptical about all my excuses for my injuries, but I'll keep lying. They were all terribly worried when I didn't show up to class for a week and wasn't answering my phone, but I said that I had something unexpected come up. Thankfully, they didn't question it much.

Midoriya stopped by my dorm, but instead of asking me if I was all right like he usually does, he asked me if everything was all right at home. He told me that he'd been talking with Bakugou, and they both noticed how I always come back hurt after the weekend, and that just so happens to be when I'm not at U.A. I told him I was fine, but he asked how he could believe that when I kept coming back to U.A. with more and more injuries. I shrugged, and then he asked me if I was okay. A part of me wanted to fall apart and finally sob out the truth in hopes of finally being saved, but I nodded nonetheless.

I have to be strong.

He asked if he could hug me, and I let him. His hug was very loose because he knew I was broken beneath the surface, but...I wanted to hug him tighter. It brought back memories of when Mom would hug me, and I always felt so comforted in her arms. She'd hum softly and sometimes sing for me, and there was nothing like her embrace. I hadn't felt a hug in so long. Yet, his hug stabbed me with sadness. It cut through the emptiness. I realized that, for a while, I hadn't felt anything. I just felt numb. But his hug brought so many memories and familiar sensations to me. I felt sad. I felt like crying. I felt like pouring everything out to him. But I didn't let myself. We hugged for a while, but the sadness faded away into nothing. With the sadness gone, it felt like the intensity of the emptiness burning through me had increased tenfold, but it was still the same. It just felt worse because I'd briefly adjusted to feeling profound sadness.

"Midoriya... Thank you."

But...