Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

16 | Stronger

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 101

Endeavor has been drinking a lot of alcohol lately. It's odd. He hasn't been very strict about the beatings, either. If anything, he looks exhausted. But I've noticed something... He never looks me in the eyes anymore. Whenever he does, he tells me that I'm not his son, and that he didn't raise a monster. He's been acting very strange.

I've learned to grow stronger from his abuse. But from the beginning of the year to now, I don't really see too much of a difference. Yet, all my classmates tell me I'm definitely different. I just wanted to overcome the torture that Endeavor's abuse put me through mentally. Obviously, I'll never escape the physical pain, but mentally, I can always grow. The abuse broke me. I know it did. I realize now that it's burdened me with depression a few times throughout my life, but this year, it completely paralyzed me. No more. I'm not his toy. I'm not. But then, who am I? He broke the Shouto Todoroki that he made.

I talked with Yaoyorozu today, and she said she's worried about how much I've changed. She told me that I'm a lot less approachable and more blunt. Well, she put it in more of a roundabout way. I then asked her why she was worried about how I'd changed. She took a while to spit out an answer, but she said that I'm just not the person she used to know. That it was a change that happened in plain sight, but one that she could only grasp onto fully after the fact.

I found a poem I wrote maybe a month ago in my bag. Seeing it now, I remember writing it, but had I never found it, I doubt I would've surfaced the memory of writing it again. I'm not fond of this poem.

Balloons

Walking by across the bustling street.
Something odd begins to pull at my feet.
When I look around, I immediately frown.
An odd string is weighing me down.

Tied to the string is a package of some kind.
It looks like a gift someone left behind.
Seeing this, I glance around.
Balloons are now drifting across the ground.

The gift contains a deflated balloon.
I exhale my worries under the rising moon.
The small balloon bounces like the tide.
It absolutely refuses to leave my side.

Everyone carries so many balloons with them.
But from where do these balloons truly stem?
Different shapes, sizes, colors, and designs.
Each one labeled with its own warning signs.

In a world of balloons, I have but one.
But those with the most aren't having fun.
Each balloon is like a ball and chain.
How can something so nice cause so much pain?

Screams deposited into vivid rubber sacks.
Smiling but screaming behind their backs.
Desperate attempts to break the strings.
Another balloon the new day brings.

I unravel the strings they're bound by.
Different knots are undone as balloons fly.
I just want to set them all free.
They're going through more than me.

I didn't realize the consequences this had.
But the pile of balloons I have isn't too bad.
The sky dances with balloons and their tethers.
Chains of iron turned as light as feathers.

I smile and unravel another person's knot.
A reprieve from all that they've fought.
But they start to unwind the strings I hold.
I run away to the transient reprieve I rolled.

Rolling for another day, my luck has run out.
My balloons will strangle me, without a doubt.
They bind my limbs and cut into my neck.
But I have to keep myself in check.

A barrage of colors smothers my vision.
But this too was ultimately my decision.
Hands grope through to tear the strings loose.
But I'm happy in this bright new world and noose.

I guess this poem is about burdens and regrets, people-pleasing, consequences, and helping others while refusing to get help for yourself. It consumes you slowly, so you keep going without thinking much about it, but eventually, it's too much to carry. Yet, why would you let others take your own burdens away when you gave them to yourself? When they're still filling up more balloons full of their own problems? They don't need more, yet they want to help you. But since when did you ever deserve to be helped? Your worthless, useless, selfish, deceitful, foolish self. Look at what you did to yourself. It's all your fault. Suffocate in the agony you created like you deserve. I think I said too much without even explaining much of the actual poem, but I think those were my thoughts when I wrote it.

Katsuki and I decided to move to using our first names with each other, and I met his parents a bit ago. I lied a lot, but I don't feel guilty. I merged my personality with one that would seemingly be more friendly and appropriate. Though, Mitsuki seems to be very perceptive. She asked me about my home life a bit since Endeavor is my father, so I said it wasn't anything special. Katsuki gave me a glare for that. Mitsuki also pointed out the limp I still have, and how standing and sitting down seemed to be painful for me, so I brushed it off and explained my training with Endeavor. She told me I was always welcome at their house if I needed somewhere to go.

Although Katsuki insisted I stay at his house for the night, I went back home. Endeavor was drunk when I got there, but he still beat me. I saw him writing something on a piece of paper at some point, but I didn't bother to look at what he was doing. I'd rather not get another beating for eavesdropping. But I can't help but wonder what's been up with him lately...