Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

15 | Danger

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

"Oi." Bakugou's husky voice incinerated Todoroki's thoughts. "Why...do you still have that shitty look on your face?" He scrunched his brows down. "Throughout all of this, you still kept that same fucking face. I know those smirks meant nothing."

While the dubiousness that reverberated through Todoroki's body simmered down, he simply stared up at Bakugou from the floor. "It was pleasant in some aspects, but so what?" His frigid, lackadaisical eyes were merciless. "Do you think affection equates to love or happiness? No, it doesn't."

Bakugou flinched. "Fucking hell. Why are you so fucking cold?"

"I'm not," Todoroki muttered while Bakugou scowled. "I'm just saying things how they are. What's wrong with that?" He canted his head.

"You've changed, dammit..." Bakugou snarled under his breath. "What the hell happened to you? You used to look so anxious and paranoid. You were hella friendly at one point, even. Now..."

Todoroki overturned his arms to stare at the bandages concealing his wounds. "I don't think anything is really different about me. I've just gotten stronger." He offered a shrug.

"I don't even know who the fuck you are anymore." Bakugou's voice was a serrated dagger. "Oi... Are you saying all this to cope with the pain and suppress how you really feel?"

"No."

"Y'know, I won't lie: it makes me fucking sad to think that you don't seem to feel anything anymore."

"Don't be sad. It shouldn't matter to you, B—"

Bakugou slammed his hands into Todoroki's and pinned them back against the wall. "My feelings ain't yours," hissed the ash-blonde. "You don't get to tell me how to feel. It does fucking matter to me. Do you even realize how fucking much you changed in just a few months? Oi. If I died tomorrow, what would you think?"

"I don't know," Todoroki sighed. "I'd move on with my life. There's nothing I can do to change the fact that you're dead. I'm sorry, but I really don't think I'd care."

。。。

Sitting beneath the milky bath of moonlight streaming down from the sky, Todoroki pushed a smoky breath from his chest. He stared up at the obsidian sea tinged with blue and mottled with the various colors of the stars. His fickle mind flickered like an ember from thinking deeply to staring vacantly. His thoughts swung back and forth like the pendulum of a clock, but at the back of his mind was the cacophony of his memories.

I wish I was more blunt about how I really think sometimes, he realized while inhaling the chemicals of his fleeting reprieve again. I'm used to being used, and I'm used to keeping quiet about everything, but I'm not going to get anywhere if I keep my mouth shut. He slowly exhaled his warm breath into the night. I can't get what happened out of my head. We're not even in a relationship, yet...

Todoroki's eyes fell from the stars to the inky road in front of him. It's strange. I don't really feel the urge or desire to die like I used to, but at the same time, living is exhausting. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why do I keep choosing to live? I don't know. Whether I live or die... I don't think I care. If I live, I'll withstand the beatings, and I'll keep going without any real reason. If I die, I don't really mind. Yet, a part of me still wants to die. There's no point in living when I'm just going to die someday. Why put myself through so many beatings when it could all be over now? I wonder...

Standing up from the ground, Todoroki pinched the embers of his cigarette with his left hand until the orange spider webs were suffocated. He turned to head back inside, but the encroaching whirr of something familiar approached from the distance.