Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

8 | Relief

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Day 40

We moved into our dorms today. I'm astonished that Endeavor allowed this in the first place. It took a lot of persuasion from All Might, but it worked out. I still have to come home for the weekend to get the beatings that I don't want to begin to imagine, though. Endeavor said that disgusting trash just takes up space in the house and begins to reek. If only he knew how much that applies to him.

I can finally rest. But now, anyone can visit my dorm at any time. They can visit me whenever they want. Somehow, I'm less anxious and more intimidated by that.

Knowing I'm free here doesn't make me happy. Why? This should make me ecstatic. But I'm not. How do I describe it? I don't care, but I do care. I don't feel anything over it, but I'd rather be stuck in my dorm than beaten over the smallest things at home.

But I tried something new. I've never thought about it before until I saw the opportunity today. I was curious. I cut into my upper left thigh. Something about it honestly felt good. I only made one cut, so I don't really know what the feeling was, but it made me concentrate on cutting instead of everything else rushing through my head. I felt kind of calm, like the adrenaline was suppressing my emotions with a thick layer of ice. I liked that. Maybe cutting will give me some relief on top of being at the dorms. Maybe I can put my life back together.

The first person to visit my dorm was Bakugou, surprisingly. He was carrying medical supplies, and of course, he wouldn't have known I cut myself earlier, but I couldn't help but wonder if he somehow knew. He pushed his way into my dorm, and he told me to take my shirt off. It was so abrupt and blunt, but I knew that there was no way I could argue my way out of it. Despite that, I still tried.

I told him I wasn't comfortable doing that; hence why I change in a stall. So, he told me to roll up my sleeves. My wrists are both bruised from Endeavor, and the upper halves of my arms are damaged as well. I shook my head, hoping that Bakugou would get fed up and leave, but he used that godforsaken tone again. He said it would be hell if I didn't do as I was told. I thought he was bluffing. He wasn't. I shook my head again, and he grabbed my left wrist and right shoulder with a crushing grip. It hurt like hell. He used his nails. I had a wound that was still healing on my right shoulder, and he dug his nails into it.

I panicked and hit him. I didn't mean to. I thought he'd beat me for sure. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. I couldn't speak. My mouth just hung agape while I tried to apologize again and again for hitting him. For being so stupid. For not knowing my place. My vision blurred. I frantically scrambled back to run and sink into the corner of my dorm. I started hyperventilating. I couldn't stop shaking. I covered the back of my head with my hands and curled into a ball. I started having a panic attack. I was so fucking scared. I thought I'd throw up from the shock. I was paralyzed. I thought he'd scream at me and kick me into the wall until I passed out.

But he didn't. He apologized to me for what happened and helped me calm down and come back to reality. Katsuki Bakugou apologized to me. A part of me is glad that that apology more than likely damaged his pride. I know he knows someone is abusing me, and I know he's trying to be helpful, but more than anything, it's traumatizing.

To truly show him I was truly sorry, I finally let him see all the wounds and bruises covering my upper half. I thought he'd yell at me for always trying to lie to his face when he already knew the truth, but he didn't say anything. He just patched me up. I was relieved, but the awkward silence was inevitably and obviously very awkward.

Before he left, he asked me if I liked Yaoyorozu, so I shook my head. Then he asked who the hell was beating me, but I denied being beaten and left it at that. The last look he gave me, though... Bakugou almost looked sad.