Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

5 | Change

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, or substance abuse.

Todoroki was desperate for an answer to the questions plaguing his mind. He scoured his reflection as though the person staring back at him would suddenly begin to speak, but the longer he peered into the icy, lifeless slab of glass, the more his curiosity only grew. Uncertainty soaked his own questions while the awareness of something peculiar lurking at the surface of the gleaming glass sank into his thoughts.

I still look the same, Todoroki thought to himself as he tilted his head. Is it the way I talk? Or, more specifically, is it the way I respond? What do they see that I can't? Shaking his head, Todoroki figured that his thoughts would eventually dissipate if he shifted his focus onto something relatively unrelated to what irked him so. I'll walk to the bridge again. I still remember watching the fireworks there with Mom, Fuyumi, and Natsuo. Mom carried me. The fireworks were loud, and I wondered if one would hit me, but I felt safe in her arms. Mom...

Icy serpents of sweat slithered down Todoroki's spine once he mustered up the strength to push open the door to his room. With the all-encompassing thump of his heart overpowering the tap of his steps across the tatami mats, he swiftly slinked out of the house. He cautiously slid the door back into place before stepping back and staring at the place that he wondered if he could truly call a home. A sigh of relief escaped his lips when there were no abrupt sounds erupting from his house after four agonizingly long seconds of staring had passed.

The balmy air of the night hugged Todoroki's aching body throughout his painful but otherwise pleasant walk to the bridge from his memories. He leaned against the railing and rested his arms against the cool surface. Staring into the abyss of the sky, Todoroki wedged a cigarette between his fingers and lit the tip with his left forefinger.

I just need a moment to forget about reality, he told himself while exhaling a cloud of smoke. It's a bit of a ways down from here. I'd have to land at a fatal angle to die from falling this distance. I wonder if anyone has tried. I wonder... He stared down at the city below while mental pictures of dropping from the bridge began to materialize in his mind. I'm too scared to try. If I survived... I don't want to imagine its implications. Why am I thinking about this? Think about the fireworks inst—

A gruff voice pierced through Todoroki's thoughts. "Didn't think ya to be the type," snickered a familiar ash-blonde as Todoroki turned around. "Oi. Pass me one."

Todoroki ejected a smoky breath from his lungs. "I would, but I don't think that feeding bad habits is a good idea. I know." He sighed and narrowed his eyes. "Why are you here?"

"Tch. In all damn seriousness, you better get over usin' those." Bakugou furrowed his brows in line with his statement. "Been studyin' for a while. Couldn't sleep after that." The sizzling growl in his voice gradually faded away.

I feel like he's being too talkative and patient. "Ah," Todoroki murmured, unsure of how to respond.

"You?"

Todoroki's eye twitched as a frigid whip sliced through his fingertips from being put on the spot. He blinked, about to speak, but he was unable to construct any cohesive sentences. Seconds began to pass, and he could feel beadlets of awkward silence clinging to his senses.

Bakugou expelled a rolling, rigid sigh. "The hell has been up with you? Well, whatever. It's been getting on my nerves, and that's all that matters." His expression scrunched up into a scowl while Todoroki turned around and rested his arms against the bridge railing again.

For a while, Todoroki held his silence, and he dared not puff another breath of smoke from his cigarette. "I'll talk about it a little bit if you tell me what you've observed from me that's apparently different." He glanced to the side at Bakugou.

"Hey." Eerily austere and gravelly, Bakugou's voice was like a whetted blade of thunder. "Look at me." The horrific familiarity of his tone gripped Todoroki's chest with fear.

Shit, he's not going to beat me, is he? Todoroki frantically found himself thinking as he hesitantly obeyed Bakugou's threatening command. I already got my beating today. I don't want another. I feel terrible. My stomach has been killing me ever since Endeavor—

"On your knees befo—" snarled Bakugou with a countenance that contorted like the flickering of an ember, but before he could finish, Todoroki had already dropped to his knees. "Before I hit you."

Am I that useless to you? Todoroki wondered while he braced himself to be struck by his own classmate. Why isn't he beating me? I'm glad, but...

"Look me in the eyes again. Now," Bakugou mercilessly growled. "Now, tell me what the fuck is going on." His eyes narrowed into thin, foreboding slits.

Todoroki swallowed thickly as his stomach leapt into his chest. "I...can't," he managed to force himself to mutter, but his response was rewarded with a knee being pressed into his chest. "Bakugou, I can't..." He stifled a grunt as Bakugou slammed his knee into Todoroki's stomach that throbbed like being hit with a baseball bat whenever any contact was made with it.

"If you don't tell me in three seconds, I'll beat the shit out of you."

He sounds so much like Endeavor... "I'm not saying a word," Todoroki spat, but he flinched at his own rash spontaneity.

Suddenly, the knee that was digging into Todoroki's guts began to retreat. Todoroki curled in on himself to shield the area Bakugou would strike, but no such strike arrived. Bewildered, he slowly lifted his head to see Bakugou staring down at him with crossed arms.

"Todoroki..." Soft and slow, Bakugou's voice was as delicate as a snowflake. "Y'know why I've been observing you? You did the same thing in the infirmary. You limp. You're the only one that changes in a stall. You pass out during school. You don't pay much attention anymore. You're hella slow and wobbly on your feet. You always look around at everyone like you're paranoid about something. You started smilin' not too long ago. Where'd that go? Todoroki, there's too much fucking evidence. I know I scared the shit out of you when I started using that tone. You know why I hit you where I did? You've been constantly holding there whenever you get up. So, tell me... What's going on?" He relaxed his arms at his sides and let his shoulders droop a bit.

"Nothing..." Todoroki lied blatantly. "It's just from training. I... I need to go." He briskly stood up to his feet, but Bakugou clasped onto his sleeve.

Shit, Todoroki inwardly gasped, but as his emotions began to claw into his sensibility, he found himself beginning to regain his composure again. It's like walking on the edge of snapping and finding my full composure again. Like I'm so terrified that the adrenaline is taking over. What do I do?

"You're shit at lying." Bakugou reeled Todoroki in towards himself to grasp the collar of Todoroki's shirt. "You know that sure as hell doesn't account for everything. Oi. Whoever's doin' this to you is making you weak against me. I don't wanna fight an opponent that ain't gonna bring their full power, and nor do I wanna be lumped with a person like that. Tch. I'll let you off easy this time because I clearly traumatized you, but the villain that's doin' this to you is gonna have a piece of me." He glared into Todoroki's eyes that looked as though a power cord had been ripped from them both.

Once Bakugou's grip on Todoroki's shirt loosened, Todoroki wriggled free and bent down to pluck his used cigarette from the bridge. "It's not as easy as you think," Todoroki finally sighed. "But I see. So that's the change you all see in me. I seem pathetic now, don't I?"

A/N:
If you're enjoying this story so far, please consider checking out my latest TodoBaku story, "No Escape."