Cold | Suicidal Todoroki

24 | Wishes

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as suicide, self-harm, abuse, violence, harassment, or substance abuse.

Day 168

Mom came home yesterday. I guess she knows about what happened to Endeavor, but she doesn't know about what he did to me. It's best if it stays that way. She seems kind of sad about Endeavor being gone, but more than anything, she's very happy to be with me and Fuyumi. Natsuo is still busy with college. Mom made me cold soba like she used to make it. I smiled and said it was delicious. Then, I hugged her and thanked her. Midoriya really has influenced me a lot.

I decided I'd tell Mom and Fuyumi about my relationship with Katsuki. They're both supportive of it. I know Endeavor would've beat the shit out of me if he ever found out. Mom asked me if Katsuki was treating me well, and she was pleased to know that Katsuki is one of the sweetest people when he wants to be.

Today, I invited Katsuki over for dinner and to stay the night at my home so he could meet Mom, and he behaved better than I thought he would. I think Mom liked him. Katsuki helped cook and clean up, and for that, Fuyumi was very impressed, and she insisted that she would be fine cleaning up, but Katsuki wasn't having it. Mom smiled at their interaction. It made me realize that I wish I could have a true relationship with Katsuki.

It's a shame that my wishes are only ever wishes because they never become a reality.

I was texting Yaoyorozu about what love was since I don't know what "love" feels like. She described it as a feeling of deeply liking another person and wanting to be more than friends with them. But Katsuki happened to see me texting Yaoyorozu, and he was pissed. He glared at me until I turned off my phone. I guess he thought I was dating her.

I showed Katsuki my conversation with Yaoyorozu, and the look of relief swept his glare away. He told me that if I'd been seeing her behind his back, he would've walked out the door and never come back. It's odd, but I don't really want our relationship to end. It's nice to have someone that understands me more than the rest. His hugs are warm. His words are nice. His advice is good. It's beneficial to be with him, in a way. That makes it seem like I'm using him. Am I? I don't know.

Since I can't sleep, I started looking around my desk, and it's pretty dusty. I found an old poem I made. I don't have anything to say about it, but here it is, on a sticky note like all the other ones:

Falling

An endless wishing well stands at my feet.
I stare at the abyss with coins beneath each finger.
Discs of silver and copper flip into the sun.
But wishes are wishes, and coins are coins.

Another offering wasted again.
The clink of metal hopes echoes from the well.
Clink, click, ting, tack...
My coins, swallowed up, lie still on their friends.

A ladder winds down the endless well.
It might as well be the staircase to hell.
I begin my descent into the silent abyss.
The scent of metal emanates from below.

Rung after rung, I step further down.
The light slips away with each step I take.
Slithering and hissing, the darkness awaits.
I stare up at the light fluttering above.

Climbing down gets tiring very quickly.
I want to stop, for I now look rather sickly.
But onward I go, moving increasingly slow.
I want to leap, then plummet into the deep.

My calloused hands slip, sending me back.
I cling back to the ladder, afraid to fall.
It feels like I'm looking up at a wall.
Rust from the ladder cuts into my hands.

The scent of the coins tantalizes my nose.
I slip again, this time on accident.
Blood leaks from my arms as I grab hold again.
But I don't think I can hold on for much longer.

Drip, drop...
Clink, tink...
Hiss, echo...

My bleeding hands release their grip.
The shadows smirk at me as I slither with them.
Noxious iron wriggles down my throat.
I crash into the coins I blindly dumped into the well.

My nails scrape at the stones on the walls.
Filthy coins tear my skin each time I move.
I should've realized I can't bring them back.
Clawing and flailing, I sink into my coins.

Sparkling discs of metal are now frigid stones.
Staring up at the ceiling, I've given up.
But the well echoes on with the clinks of metal.
I cover my ears, but the coins scrape at my skull.

Insane, insane, I'm going insane.
Calm, so calm, I'm suddenly so calm.
Tired, tired, I'm getting tired.
Sleeping, sleeping, I am now sleeping.

Now awake, I wonder if I'm alive.
The coins stare at me like cold, empty eyes.
I stare back and realize they're my own eyes.
My eyes are skittering across my skin.

I stare, they stare...
Stare, stare, stare...
I'm them, they're me...
Stare, stare, stare...

Silence crunches into my bones.
Back teeth grind, crack, and scrape.
It hurts, it hurts, I need to escape.
The jaws are gnashing into my arms.

Is a horror movie filling the walls of the well?
It's all the same, same, same, and I can't tell.
The agony awakens me, but I'm already awake.
The coins are screaming what's at stake.

Get up, get up...
Coins roll in my pockets.
Now climb, just climb...
Rust eats at my eye sockets.

Knowing not what's right, I follow the voices.
Coins clatter like bullets as I lift my head.
Nails perforate my skin, so I cling to the ladder.
I don't know what to do, but I'm told to climb.

Every step forward rakes the rust into my arms.
But it's better than drowning in my coins.
I tell myself the same thing again and again.
But I lose my grip and chip my teeth.

Sitting at the bottom, I succumb again.
I swallow down more coins of my hopes.
One hand on the ladder, I close my eyes.
These false hopes are just weighing me down.

My stomach aches from all the coins inside.
Finally able to move again, I climb with my hopes.
I falter at the same part of the ladder again.
Clinging on, I finally vomit some of the vile lies.

Rising from the abyss, a speck of light pours down.
I drink the light like a plant and desperately climb.
But the coins are cutting into my insides.
I grimace and stop, unable to continue.

The coins won't leave me, no matter what I do.
Sliding back down quite a bit, I have to rest.
But I can see the light in sight again.
So I ignore the pain and keep climbing up.

The pain has faded a little bit from the light.
Coins ring inside me, but I've left most behind.
I'm getting so close to finally being free.
I reach for the next step forward, ready to leave.

The coins morph and shift inside me, but it's okay.
I've made it this far, and I know I can make it.
I reach up, but as if in slow motion, I slip.
Shadows sink their teeth into me as the light diminishes.

I reach for the ladder, not ready for it to be over yet.
But the feeling of being okay, I couldn't quite get.
Falling back into the abyss again, it all goes numb.
I should've known this day would once again come.