Say I Never Mattered | A Sooshu Fan-Fiction

chapter two

You know, it's funny how 'Stay' by Blackpink is the first song I shuffled to, but I can't think of anyone that cares enough to stay. Every morning this summer has been the same. Wake up, turn on some music (to drown out my thoughts, of course,) take my medication, shower, and do my college course classes. Junior year is just around the corner, and I'm not going to let anyone take my spot at #1.

I know it sounds silly, but academics and learning are all I have. I only have four best friends in total. There's Aurora Laurent, who I've known since the fifth grade. Between partying and trying to become a fashion designer she barely has any time for me. She's a blonde beauty with a penchant for wearing baby-pink and she's probably one of the nicest people I've ever met, albeit annoying. There's Oliver Tern, who's had a crush on me since we were in the third grade. I talk to him about everything, but he has that 'nice guy' state of mind. He gives me his friendship, I'll eventually give in and give him a chance. He's a bit delusional but I love him just the same. Liam Gannon-Bell, one of my other best friends, always tries to tell him this, but Oliver never listens. Liam tends to be the voice of reason in our group. I would be, but I'm a bit too introverted for that. How am I supposed to care for other people when I can't even care for myself?

Then there's Sage Brinley. She's easily the most attractive one of us all, but apparently everyone disagrees with me on this fact and thinks it's me. Sometimes, I wonder why she hangs around us. Yes, all of us are well-off. Everyone in our private school was, but we were outcasts. I've always hated that word, but that was the best way to describe us. We all chose our independence from the masses, though. My brother and I pretend to not know each other and so far, it's worked in our favor. We only got assigned lunch together one year and we were never caught dead near one another.

Any of us could branch out and be 'popular,' but we didn't want to. Aurora says that she doesn't like remembering that many birthdays, Oliver is too quiet to try to make other friends and dislikes being taken pity on, and Liam just doesn't like crowds.

Sage, on the other hand - I had no idea. She was drop-dead-gorgeous, eccentric, and had a smile that could light up a room. She was the opposite of what I was. So imagine my surprise when she told me that she'd been in love with me for two years, despite having been with Liam for three. I wasn't in love with her, but I saw why others would be. The voluminous long dirty blonde hair, the doe eyes, the big-but-not-too-big pink lips, and rosy cheeks. She's perfect.

I wanted to love her, but I couldn't.

I couldn't stop thinking about what Aurora had suggested to me. A makeover? Becoming somebody? I've never viewed myself as ugly, but I have never seen myself as beautiful. I hated the way I looked, but not because I felt like I was hideous, or anything. I hated the way I looked because I don't feel like I'm in my own body. Every time I look in the mirror, I never recognize who is looking back at me. It's why I avoid mirrors at all times. Half of the time, I get ready in almost-darkness. It's a combination of going to school early every single morning, and to avoid having to look at the bags under my eyes. You'd think that looking at yourself in a mirror in almost-darkness would accentuate the bags. But really, it doesn't. I am slightly reminded of how demented I feel on the inside, but only for a few seconds. Opposed to catching my reflection in my peripheral vision if I were in the light.

I examined my featured in my vanity mirror. My dark brown eyes that were probably too big for my face; they were sunken in, due to a lack of sleep. Insomnia seemed to be a side effect of depression and anxiety, for me.

I used thick-rimmed black reading glasses to hide the bags and my thick eyebrows. I need reading glasses, but I don't need them at all times. They just help to hide my insecurity, I guess. I have contacts but they're rarely worn.