"Oh dear God." I curse myself for being on my own. The one time I'm going to AP calc, the one moment when my stupid friends aren't walking with me, is when this has to happen. Fun.
I watch as he mutters something in her ear, and how she bites her lower lip when she looks at him. God, she's very pretty. I can't help but think. I've always thought that about her which only makes me wonder what Jake thought as he asked to date me. Jake. I mutter in my head. I watch them again. Lips collide and tears fill my eyes. Maybe he isn't angry at me. Perhaps anger is just the emotion I wish he was feeling. Because staring at the two of them; pressed against the lockers, late for class, it seems that he is anything but angry.
He's apathetic.
I bring my phone up, about to take a picture of them and send it to my best friends but I can't press the button. I desperately want to tell Max and Garrett but I feel like there's no point. Garrett probably would live for the drama but not care about anything but revenge. He'd only care about how to hurt Jake but not how Jake hurt me. And Max... Why would Max care? Why the hell would Max care? Why should he care? He doesn't need to.
That crosses both of them off the board. I walk to class in a daze, feeling more numb than sad or angry. My phone buzzes, making my pencil drop out of my hand. It's just Garrett, sending a photo of Max with the caption, "look how cute he looks <3" Usually, I laugh off Garrett's crush on Max and barely help him catch Max's attention. But there's an urge to tolerate this little affection that Garrett has, at the very least, it would give me something to focus on.
Why don't you just confess already?
Girl, nooo!
Too scary for me
Y'all are basically dating tho
I wish
Do you have any homework?
Not rlly, why?
Let's go out
You can have a "date" with Max
and I'll be there so that you don't
have to ask Max out
And you're helping me bc?
I contemplate telling the truth. I wonder if I should just say, "my boyfriend technically cheated on me and I'm taking my mind off of it by setting my best friends up." But I decide against it. They won't care. They won't care.
I'm bored
And you're pitiful
Shut up but thx
Let's go to the park later, i'll text max
Someone's excited
Cassia I told you to shut up
Feeling too tired and apathetic to respond (and feeling the conversation already dying down on Garrett's end), I put down my phone. I try to be quick, slamming my case into the wooden desks, similarly to how knives were slapped into the same desk -carving names in hearts and dumb love. Of course, speed is not my forte and my teacher walks up just as the last echo of my phone's text tone reverberates.
"Not paying attention?" He asks, laughing. "You, not paying attention? That's odd."
I stay silent, simply staring back at him. Everyone is on their phone constantly, but I'm apparently 'not paying attention' the minute I text. Wow, double standards? I'm not even having to fight the urge to roll my eyes. It seems that you can't fight what isn't there.
His eyes grow quizzical at the fact that I don't even care to defend myself. "Are you alright, Cassia?"
I nod but feel my eyes drift over to Jake before snapping back to my teacher. "I'm perfectly normal, sir."
He must see me glance at Jake because he immediately smiles, "your boyfriend, right? Did you get into a fight?"
I shake my head, wondering if that's even the truth. Yes, we fought or he fought with me. But it wasn't so extreme that I expected him to kiss her. Or date her. Or whatever situationship that is.
"I still remember when you tutored him. That's how you met, right?" He asks. I can't help but think back to that day. He was all flirty, he was so forward that it was attractive. I guess that forward also means protective. "I have to admit, I hate taking credit for anything but I will gladly take credit for your perfect relationship."
What relationship? I want to ask but I settle on a more philosophical question that hopefully won't make me accidentally expose all my immature problems to my AP calc teacher. "Is anything really perfect, sir? I, for one, think not. And evidently, our relationship is anything but perfect." I get loud at the end. Passion maybe? Or the truth is probably just anything but quiet.
He walks away at my sudden outburst, skipping away as if the high school drama entertains his old soul -Ugh, his old everything.
The bell rings minutes later, making me shake -taken by surprise. It's such a stupid bad habit that I can't get over. Horror movies are a piece of cake, but ringtones and school bells? Nope. Max is constantly teasing me about it. Laughing as I hold his hand in theatres.
Jake loved it about me. He loved that in such a second, I was so dependent on him. I still remember a fire drill where the bell made my heart drop out of surprise. I had never seen Jake so happy to be holding my head in his arms, smiling like a little devil. It isn't long till I find myself staring at Jake, the memory making my head turn to him.
He's looking at me too.
And he looks guilty as fuck.
Sad as fuck.
Sorry as fuck.
I just want to forgive him.
Oh! I pick up my phone. It's Max?
So, i'll see you at the park?
Yea i guess so
That's a dumb place for a first date
Well, garrett would have been
overwhelmed anywhere else
I meant a first date with you
Shut up, i'm just gonna be there
As long as you're there, it's our date
I hate you
You love me more than him
Max is always teasing but I can't help but feel his words digging into my soul. I look up to see Jake still looking at me. I should forgive him. Do I want to forgive him? I stare at my phone, before it blinks to black.
You love me more than him.
"Jake." I whisper, staring at him. "Sorry," I mouth, back already turned to him and feet walking away.
