when my lighter drops

only

TW/// SH DESCRIPTION

when it touched my skin.
the ache of the pain, it was addictive.
it took my emotions away and gave me something else.
why would i stop? why is it bad?
the blurred vision as i would cry through the moments.
it's all fine- i would say it needs to happen.
it's how i learn. my punishment.
why did i do it? but why do i still ache for the emotion to go and the pain to come back.
why is it so complex.
the cold blade.
the tears dropping again and again
the crimson red.
such detail not only for what i hear and see in my mind but for what my eyes witnessed.
addictions never end well. i've tried to stop.
becoming sober- easy to say is it not?
but the withdrawal- the thoughts- the flash of it all.
i need to feel it. i cant. i don't need to be punished.
i can tell myself such things but i never believe it.
why cant i be normal and not place a burden on others. i should be able to control it by now.
not move.
stop the emotions
stop my mind
but i hit the bottom.
i only keep going further.
the one question to ask and have no answer for being- why?
why?
it's easier to cry, keep it to myself, hate myself, not feel anything.
it's easier to press it against my skin, have the blood rush through again.
if it's not right why is it so easy?
why is it what i settle for?
i keep it to me and don't ask for the help.
i deserve to feel worthless.
i don't deserve the people the world gives me.
i'm selfish. greedy. stupid. ugly. painfully annoying. sad. nothing.
i joke about so much- it's cliché and sounds fake but no one understands i'm not joking. it's so much to handle and sometimes i give of things to say about how i feel. but of course i'm the normal one so no one thinks it's true.
when they joke around at school.
ask to see my wrists and i don't want to show them-when i panic.
they say they will have to do it.
but that's not funny.
i don't laugh as is i do it.
i cry but it can be worse- i press harder- worse? harder?
i need help. but i cant tell anyone because then i cant go back to the knife when i need it.
they will check the spots- i cant hide it.
i'm falling further away and at this point cant even get back to myself.
it's like a piece of work.
but its impossible.
when will it just stop.
let me be normal again? please