when my lighter drops

Untitled Part 25

Some days I wonder why everyone hates me.

the confusion that bounced around my head.

the questions on what i did this time.

but then it clicks,

it's my face it makes people angry

it my answers the way i speak

my opinions and how i feel

how i cling or how i joke.

the ways i laugh or talk,

and then there is so much more.

but people tell me that themselves so i'm not

left wondering again and again.

someday i'm confused but then it clicks.

they all just hate me for so much more.

again. It happened again.

I used to think that when i had fights with friends-

or lost them- it was because we weren't right.

that group of duo was not it.

they would make me feel comfortable then stab me.

I would be okay, feel happy and they sabotaged it.

I was so young so it couldn't have been my fault.

the blame was on them?

I have found out though and truly just came to the realisation that it's me.

I sabotage, I'm selfish, I'm arrogant, I can listen and give attention- advice.

but then i push all that away as soon as i can.

when it's too close. without knowing i push away the good things i have. the friends that i need and the friends i have wanted for so long.

it's like an autopilot, i say or do something stupid and it's done. no more of that for me.

so again. It happened again.

but this time i know i'm the toxic one, aren't i?