Only Once

They're mine!

Part 11

You're looking down at your coffee still until someone takes it out of your hands and holds them in theirs. You look up to find Tammy and look away as the pain inside gets stronger.

Tammy - "Hey. Hey look at me... please."

You look into her eyes and she's crying and you answer in a exhausted voice.

Y/n - "What's wrong?"

Tammy - "Are you kidding me?"

Y/n - "No why are you crying?"

Tammy - "You! You in the shower..."

Y/n - "Oh for fucks sake Tammy it was a shower and it was slightly cold. I'm warm again now and so there's no harm done okay."

Tammy - "Don't do that to me y/n! Don't even for one second think that I would want you in pain. It may have been mild but it could still have done it if Lou didn't make you get out. I could have lost you and I never want that. Ever."

You let go of her and brings your knees up putting your head down before you break down in-front of her knowing her touch will be more painful than helpful.

She puts her arm on your shoulder and you nudge her away.

She doesn't move though. She just sits there too with her knees up and puts her head down.

You both end up sitting there for a while in silence until Lou comes to check on you.

It's still silent and then you hear her voice.

Lou - "Umm hey guys do you need anything?"

You look at her and she can see in your eyes you don't want to be there anymore and puts her arm out.

You grab it and head outside. You're sat sharing another cig and then Tammy comes out.

Tammy - "Hey okay I just wanted to say I... what are you doing?"

You look down blowing out the smoke and Lou grabs the cigarette.

Tammy - "Y/n fucking listen to me now! Why the fuck are you smoking?"

Lou - "Tam she's just stressed leave her-"

Tammy - "Did you give her them?"

She then turns to face you.

Tammy - "Did she?"

You shake your head but she doesn't believe you.

Tammy - "Bullshit."

Lou - "Excuse me!"

Tammy - "I said bullshit Lou! You're the only smoker here so if it's not from you then who is it from?!"

Y/n - "Me!"

At this point Tammy is starting to annoy you and you throw the packet on the ground in-front of her.

Y/n - "Their my fags. I bought them... I smoked them... their mine."

Tammy - "Are you fucking serious?"

Y/n - "Yes Tammy! Yes I am fucking serious!"

Tammy - "But why-"

Y/n - "Maybe because the person I love doesn't love me back. Maybe because I would spend hour after hour, day after day, night after fucking night, thinking a look or comment or touch meant that they might have a snippet of interest in me. That when I doubted myself I came outside, for a fag, to calm the fuck down. And I'm smoking one now because I was stupid enough to fall for the charm and allow myself to be vulnerable just to have it slapped back in my face... again. And I'm done with it! I am so... so fucking done with it!"

She's silent watching you tear up.

Y/n - "I'm tired... I'm so tired Tammy... so yes. Yes they are mine. They've always been my fags and I will always be your just one night. The name suits me anyway doesn't it Lou."

You get up and head back inside running upstairs and locking the door in the bathroom of the spare room.

You cry and scream pushing the stuff of the countertop and collapsing to the floor. You can hear shouting but your ears are drowning out the sound. You just sit in the corner crying.

But this feeling doesn't help either and then you see it. There's a razor on the floor and the feeling comes over your body. You've never done it before and the idea of the unknown stops you from picking it up but the thought sticks in your mind as you stare at it lying there.

You know better than to do it but at this point you don't know why you're even at Lous anymore. It feels like you've wasted your time and should be somewhere else. With someone who actually wants you. But let's be real... that's never going to happen...

You eventually snap back into reality and hear then shouting before opening the door. You open it telling them that you're fine and just want to get some sleep and although they hesitate at first they do leave you to it after some persuasion.