Priceless - A PeteKao Love Story

Chapter 17 - Reality

Pete drove like a maniac through the winding roads to his parents' farmhouse. Every time an image of last night flashed through his mind, he pressed the accelerator even harder. He didn't want to think of it. Of yesterday night. Of Kao. Of them, together. He had gone last evening to find answers about Kao. Yet he woke up today morning with even more questions, not of Kao but of himself.

He sat on the bed of his room trying to make sense of the immense chaos churning in his mind. His parents hadn't asked him any questions when he knocked on their doors in the wee hours of the morning. He had seen Max's car tailing him. Max might have already informed his parents he was driving there. He was thankful that they just let him be. He wanted to be alone, to figure out the turmoil that was unfolding in his life.

Where should he start? With the realization of what he felt for Kao? Or that he slept with a man? It wasn't that Pete was not aware wow his sexuality. There was always a small voice that kept tugging in the corner of his mind. But he had always hushed that voice. Never let it speak. Never even consider it. For, in his circles, it was much easier to put on an act, easier to date women and play along with whatever 'rules' his society had set, than to challenge them. Than to follow his heart. Than to accept who he was. Than to be true to himself. And so he tucked it all away, locked among the darkest secrets of his heart, never to be talked of, never to be thought of. The crushes, the fantasies, the longing. He had made sure it remained a chimera of his heart, never to be actualized. Because he was scared that once he did, he wouldn't be able to go back to his fake self.

Or maybe he just didn't meet anyone who made him want to take that step.

Until Kao.

Until he hit the bike on that fateful afternoon and found himself staring at a face that took his breath away. Until the pull became so strong that he caved in. Until he couldn't control himself anymore. Until he succumbed wholly to his heart's desires.

Until he got up today morning and reality hit.

Now what? What is his path from hereon? Follow his heart or follow his mind? Because right now, both were pointing in diametrically opposite directions.

He heard a soft knock on the door and his father walked in.

"How are you, Pete?"

"Confused" Pete answered truthfully.

"If you are comfortable sharing it with me, tell me, Pete. I can at least be a good listener if nothing else"

"I don't know....I am not sure of anything anymore, Pa. What if....what if I am not the person you think I am? Will you be disappointed?"

"Pete, I have told you once about Uncle Tan, right?" Mr. Vihokratana started slowly, sitting next to his son.

Pete nodded soberly. Uncle Tan was his dad's brother who died in an accident when Pete was still a toddler. He had always felt that Uncle Tan was an uncomfortable topic among his relatives. No one talked about him much.

"Well, he didn't die in an accident as I've told you. He...he actually killed himself. Your grandfather, he was very strict with us. He pushed Tan to be someone he was not. Of course, it was a different time too. There were things that were not easily accepted in our household or circles. And when Tan's marriage was forcefully fixed with someone he didn't want to....he killed....he hung himself. The day before his wedding. I was the one who found him....hanging....hanging on the ceiling fan, lifeless.... I've lived with the guilt ever since. That I never supported him as a big brother., never tried to understand him...And I promised myself that I would never repeat that mistake with you. No matter what path you choose, no matter who you decide to be, I'll accept you wholeheartedly and give you all my support. I say this with utmost sincerity, Pete. You can follow your heart with courage, son, I will never be disappointed in you."

Pete could feel his eyes welling up with tears. He hugged his dad and sobbed. He could also sense the baggage in his heart becoming lighter.

He wiped his tears and asked, "Pa, can I stay here for a week?"

"Of, course. I will call Off and tell him to make the needed arrangements. You don't worry about office now. Just concentrate on yourself"

As Mr.Vihokratana was about to leave, he hesitatingly turned around and asked. "Pete, how is Kao?"

"How did you...? I don't know, I haven't talked to him."

"Shouldn't you?"

"Yes, but not now Pa. I need time. To have some clarity on what is that I want, I am not in a proper headspace now..... Anyway, I am traveling to Japan this Sunday to meet clients. It would be a good change of scene for me, to find some answers. Maybe after that, I will....I just need to be clear about myself before I talk to him."

Before he found his love, he needed to discover his heart.