Necessary Good, Unnecessary Evil | No rest For Wounded Souls [Bucky Barnes]

Missing

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone."
-Harriet Beecher Stowe

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Steve's POV

It's said that in death, the only thing that keeps you from being forgotten is the memory of you left in the people who loved you.
That there is no such thing as eternity because one day, the last person who loved you, will perish, and then you will be no longer remembered.
Maybe that is why we tend to bond, to create a family.
A primordial fear of being forgotten, of being obliterated.
We, as humans, can't accept or even afford to be left alone. No human can keep their sanity while being absent from their own kind.
Nova built up thick walls to keep herself from being remembered.
She didn't want her name to be left behind, stained in blood and fear.
That is not what she wanted to be. That is what she was forced into.
But seeing her finally taking down her walls, brick by brick, makes her death that much more bitter.
Her death is not only unfair, but it's painfully disappointing that she will never know how her name is now being remembered, and not as she thought and feared.

"Do we know if she had any family or friends?" Wanda's voice breaks my train of thought.
I know this needs to be discussed, but I can't stand to stay here and actually accept that she's gone.
"No, she lost touch with everyone once she came back to New York," Tony utters, keeping his head down.
He got back from D.C. immediately after Nat called him, informing him that our mission went wrong. I couldn't handle telling him I failed to keep her safe.
I didn't even have the guts to look him in the eyes. 
He lost a daughter without even having the time to get to know her.
"What do we do?" Nat croaks, keeping her eyes down, her arms wrapped around her knees.
"Do we know if she wanted a religious funeral? Was she religious?" Wanda hesitates, looking at Nat.
"I don't know. Nova didn't talk much about herself." Natasha lifts her head, showing a frown. I've never seen her so upset.
"We have to do something for her. She deserves it." Pepper mutters, sitting next to Tony.
"I'll have Happy do it," Tony states, scrunching his face. 
"No, I'll do it." Nat argues, scratching her nose, "I want to do it." She stands up
Tony nods softly, dragging himself to his lab.
"I'm helping you." Wanda mumbles, getting up and following Nat.

I wish I could help them, but right now, I need to get out of there.
This place feels too claustrophobic, even if it's almost all windows.
I get to the hallway, heading to the elevator, but decide to go upstairs.
Nova's room door is left ajar, and when I open it, I find Bucky inside, looking at her bookshelf.
"Hey," he mutters, putting back a frame.
I walk inside, stopping next to him. 
My eyes fall on the photograph he put back, noticing it's a picture of Nova and Nat.
They are lying down laughing, probably after a training session.
"She has a lot of pictures. It's so weird that I never noticed her taking these." Bucky points out, looking around.
"I never saw her smiling before." He whispers, and my stomach twists.
He spent so much time with her. Even in her last minutes, he was with her. 
But somehow, they never really get along. I'd like to know more, but now's not the time.
"I want to believe she was doing better, that the last few months gave her a little peace." I move my gaze to the shelves, and my heart drops to my feet when I see a photo of us.
She's frowning at the camera, pointing at me with her thumb as I try to figure out how to use my new phone.
I'm not even looking up, totally unaware of what's going on.

"Did she suffer?" I wonder, and I can't help how broken my voice sounds.
"Steve..." Bucky sighs, turning to face me, "don't do that to yourself."
"Did she said anything? You got there before me. I just want to know what happened." I seethe, and Bucky looks away, clenching his jaw.
"I know you really cared about her, Steve. And I'm sure she cared about you as well." Bucky murmurs, and I know his words are trying to be comforting, but all I can feel right now is anger.
"Just tell me, Bucky."
"Alright," He sighs, running his fingers in his hair, "When I got there, she was still conscious but had already lost a lot of blood. She was struggling to breathe and told me she wasn't healing. I tried to keep her awake, I swear, Steve." He heaves, fixing his eyes to mine.
"I wanted to go look for help, but she said she didn't want to be left alone. I knew she needed help, but she started to tell me she didn't want to go. I stayed there, and she told me to tell you she was sorry. She said she broke her promise." I clench my fists, feeling a lump in my throat.
She didn't want to go.
She was scared, and I wasn't there. She died, and the last thing she did was be sorry.
"I need a moment," I mutter under my breath, and Bucky nods, leaving the room.