Necessary Good, Unnecessary Evil | No rest For Wounded Souls [Bucky Barnes]

No Plan, Just Roll With It

"Worse than telling a lie is spending your whole life staying true to a lie."
-Robert Brault

****

Nova's POV

Natasha stares at me, biting on her sandwich and waiting for me to fill her in.
After spending the night with the team, I went back to my room and spent the whole Saturday in bed.
I had to recharge after the crazy day and the emotional rollercoaster.
Nat managed to drag me out to get something to eat with her, and now we're talking about Steve.
"But... You don't seem too worried about that." She observes, narrowing her eyes.
"Do I feel terrible for being part of the reason why two friends who have known each other for almost a century are currently not talking to each other? Yes." I sigh, resting my chin on my closed knuckle.
"But God, why do I have to feel bad for something that makes me feel good?" I groan, hiding my face behind my hands.
"The sex or the person?" Nat frowns, and my jaw falls slack.
"I... both?" I hesitate, and she shakes her head.

"Nova, do you like Bucky?" Nat wonders, and my breath hitches.
"What? No." I shot, fixing my posture.
"Are you sure? You answered a bit too quickly." She scoffs, and I gape at her.
"Yeah, because I don't have to think about it." I object, crossing my arms.
"Actually, I think you should." Nat considers, and I stay silent.
Maybe she's right. I should put more thought into that. "No, no. I don't have a thing for Bucky," I restate, shaking my head.
"Ok, so hypothetically speaking... You could stop hooking up with him and find someone else." She shrugs, and I sigh. I look down, fidgeting with my fingers.
I never stopped to consider how I ended up being so comfortable around Bucky.
Our relationship definitely evolved, but into what? Friends? No, we don't hang out as friends do.
The only times we are together is for work or to have sex.
Although Bucky went out of his way more than once to help me. But this could just be how he is, nothing personal. 

"Steve is sweet and kind. And I liked feeling wanted. But I know that's not fair, and we see things in different ways." I mutter, looking away.
Finally admitting out loud that is cathartic.
"Having different ideas isn't a bad thing." Nat points out, making it clear that I'm not being honest.
"It's not that. The way Steve expects things to work doesn't fit my goals. And it would only hurt him if I agreed to move forward with him." I ponder, trying to put this in the simplest way possible because even I don't really know how to say it.
"What goal are you talking about? And why should it hurt him?" Nat probes, staring at me.
"Steve thinks I should let go of what happened, move on. I could say yes, but I know I would get back on track if I had the chance. A relationship right now is not my first priority." I say and realize it sounds like I'm reading a script.
"So what is?" Nat inquires, leaning on the table with her elbows and studying me.

I tighten my jaw, feeling the words get stuck in my throat. "You want to find the people who took you... don't you?" Nat hints and I glance at her, just to look away a second after.
"I'll have peace when I know I put them six feet under the ground." I seethe.
"You're going to be as deep as them, Nova." I breathe in deeply. "Believe me. I spent most of my life looking for revenge. I know how it feels. When you get there, it is not worth what you leave behind." Nat croons, and I shake my head.
"Then you know you can't expect me to move on. If I move on, no one is going to make it even." I croak, and she sighs.
"You should know that even isn't a guarantee when it comes to our lives. Sometimes moving on is the only justice we can give to ourselves."  She croons.
Nat's words sound like a weak attempt to sell a lie she has been telling herself for a while.
My eyes move to the TV behind her, and my eyes widen, "The Accords, they sent them in."
Nat twists, looking at the TV, "We should get back."

****

"Tony, I thought we talked about this. It's not an option." Steve echoes as I follow Nat into the conference room. The entire team is sitting around the table.
"You really can't see the big picture." Tony huffs, walking around the table.
"Do we have a copy of the Accords? Maybe we can discuss some points." Nat asks, and Clint tosses her a folder.
I watch her reading the files, knitting her brows together. "There's no space for discussion. It's already decided." Tony states.
"Have you read these?" Nat inquires, handing me the folder.
I read the main points of the Accords, and I feel my heart sink. "The public is going to lynch us," I mutter, my eyes scrolling line and line of text.
What they are asking is absurd.
People like me, Bucky, Wanda, and Pietro... we will be treated like criminals, no matter what.
"You knew about that? Tracking bracelets." I scoff in disbelief, "Tony, this is inhumane. How can you ask us to sign this shit?" I ask, not understanding how he can be serious.
"They are not even going to give us a trial," Pietro utters, and Wanda looks at us, worried.