Necessary Good, Unnecessary Evil | No rest For Wounded Souls [Bucky Barnes]

All The Love In The World

It's scary being loved. Because life is complicated and all too often it throws you off balance by sending you the right person at the wrong time.
-Guillaume Musso

****

"You come here often?" Steve asks, turning his face to look at me. 
I glance at him, sitting a few inches from me. 
Even though it's a sunny day, the cold wind from the ocean messes up his hair. 
His cheek and nose are getting pink, and I feel bad for making him stay here to freeze with me. 
"I haven't been here in almost twenty years." I chuckle, moving my gaze across the skyline.
"The first time my mother brought me here, I was just a kid. Brooklyn Bridge Park was her favorite spot at any time of the year." I murmur, trying to remember as many details as I can. 
I duck my head, staring at my hands. 
"Hey," Steve whispers, resting his hand on my thigh. 
"Sorry," I sigh, looking up and trying to put on a smile. 
"I never had what is considered a conventional family, you know? It was always just my mom and me. 
And I never felt the lack of a traditional family, with a lot of family members and all. 
But this morning, I think I did for the first time." I rest my hand on his palm, tracing the lines of his skin with my fingers. 

"You started to like Christmas, didn't you?" He smiles, looking at our hands.
"Yeah, I guess it's worth the hype." I lift my chin, holding my face a few inches from his. 
Our breaths mix together in a small white cloud between us. 
His eyes slowly trace every inch of my face. 
Steve leans forward, pressing his lips to mine. 
I put my hands on his chest, under his coat, feeling his warmth under the fabric. 
I push him back gently, breathing heavily. 
My mind sneaks into his, and I hide in it for a few seconds.
I know I shouldn't. Steve deserves his privacy, but what I just saw in his memories is something I can't let happen. 
"Nova, I..." He hesitates, his mouth twitching in trepidation.
"Don't say it," I interject, taking my hand off his chest.
He stares at me, disorientated. 

"I love you, but not as I wish I could," I mutter, staring at him. 
"I don't understand... Why do we keep ending like this if that's not what you want?" He asks, leaning with his back on the bench.
He rests his elbows on his knees, looking forward. 
"Because it is not fair. I can't be with you." I sigh, fidgeting with my fingers. 
"How is it not fair? To who?" Steve frowns. 
"To you, Steve. I know it may not make any sense to you, but I'm in no condition to be with someone. Let alone someone who deserves better than to be a second priority." I state, finding the guts to look at him. 
Steve stares at me for a few seconds. 
"Are you still going after the whole revenge thing? After all that happened?" He widens his eyes in disbelief. 
"Obviously, I'm still going after it.
All I do is because of what happened. Who I am is because of what happened." my voice breaks as Steve's face displays his disappointment. 
He stays silent for a while, looking at the buildings in front of us. 

"Do you ever think about what are you going to do after?" he shakes his head sadly, without looking at me. 
"I'll figure it out." I hum. 
I know he's trying to make me think about it, trying to change my mind, but I can't afford to throw away the only plan I've ever had. 
"What if the process takes away what you found? Have you thought about that?" He turns his face to me, and his brows draw together. 
"I'll do what I have to," I state, pulling a string out of my sleeve.
My chest feels heavy with regrets. I look at Steve and see something I can't have. Something I don't deserve to have. And it hurts to know that we could even work out if I didn't have all this pain on my shoulders.
"What you have to do is move on with your life. Look at the bright side." He retorts, his voice holding a subtle scold. 
"Please, don't feed me bullshit." I scoff, crossing my arms. 

"You think your mother would want to see you lose yourself while looking for revenge? I think she would rather know that her daughter is finally living her life." Steve observes, and my head snaps in his direction.
I swallow the lump in my throat, forcing myself to keep a stern expression.
"Well, she won't see either of those options." I laugh bitterly. 
"Just admit this has nothing to do with her. This is about you." He shrugs, and I arch my brow. 
"You said you want to find yourself. How are you planning to do that buried neck-deep into this lie you keep feeding yourself?" My eyes widen as I realize how exposed his words make me feel. 
"Why do you even care?" I say nervously, looking away. 
"I care about you. That's why I can't watch you burn down everything for no good reason." I bite my inner cheek, feeling blood rush to my chest. 
"Who said I even need a reason? For what they did to me, I have the right to burn down this whole city!" I seethe, feeling my body tense.
"Or you could try to not let them win again and have what you deserve." He insists, and I stand up, walking away. 
He comes after me, grabbing my arm and making me turn around to face him.