Necessary Good, Unnecessary Evil | No rest For Wounded Souls [Bucky Barnes]

You Should Go

"Love is supposed to lift you up, not hold you down. It is supposed to push you forward, not hold you back."
-Suzy Kassem

****

Bucky's POV

Dim light cuts through the creamy curtains, projecting shadows on the wooden floor.
I feel something on my hip, and when I turn to look at it, I realize it's AJ's leg.
When did he get here?
His arms are wrapped around Nova's arm while Cass is practically sleeping on her back.
I get up, doing my best not to wake up anyone, and roam around the bed, stopping in front of Nova's side.
Her hair is all messy, spread over her face. I miss waking up to this more than anything else.
The couch was too small, and after falling on my ass on the floor, Nova asked me if I wanted to get in bed with her.
She looks so calm right now, and my eyes will never get tired of that sight.
If I had to go blind, and I could only store one image in my mind, it would be her face.
I wish I could tell you the truth without losing you. I sigh, brushing a few hairs off her face.

After years and years of nothing, just when I started to feel real again... She has been the only real thing I've ever had, and now I have to watch while I lose her.
My mind drifts off for a moment, bringing back a man I thought was long gone.
I let go of the idea of having a family a long time ago, and even now that I have my mind back, I still don't see it as an option.
Back in the forties, I still thought one day I'd have to find the perfect person for me, buy a pretty house away from the chaos of the city, and maybe even have a couple of kids.
It amazes me how, even with a war going on, and the world being famished, I was more prone to wanting a family than now.
Just the thought of the person I love being forced into such a raw and cruel world makes me sick in the stomach. I can't even imagine how scary it would be to have a child in this life.
God, why am I even thinking about this? I can't have it. I don't want it.
The few hours of sleep I got really helped me.
Having her next to me is the easiest way to fall asleep, and I'm sure I'll face a lot of sleepless nights.
I grab my jacket and head to the bathroom. "Morning, sir," Peter whispers, coming out of the bathroom.

I frown, staring at him. It's twenty to six. Why is he up? "You're already up?" I wonder, walking past him.
"I'm not used to going to sleep before two in the morning," Peter shrugs, scratching the back of his head.
I nod my head, putting some toothpaste on my index and using it to brush my teeth.
"Are you coming with us today?" Peter asks, standing at the door.
I shake my head, flushing my mouth. "No, I'm going back to the compound." My hand reaches for the towel folded on the sink, and I use it to dry my face.

Peter hesitates, and I notice him staring at me. "Something wrong, kid?"
"No, no," he clears his throat, "actually, I've noticed you- you changed your arm?" he hints, looking at the vibranium peeking under the sleeve of my hoodie.
"Yeah," I hum, looking down at my hand.
Peter nods, pointing at it. "It looks... it looks cool." He smiles awkwardly.
I frown, not really knowing how to answer to that. "It does the work," I shrug.
"Yeah, I'm sure it does." He chuckles.
Some noises come from Nova's room, reminding me I should leave before she wakes up.
Last night I almost spilled the truth. I can't take the chance to lose her like that. "I should get going. I'll grab some breakfast and leave it here, ok?" I say, walking to the door.
"Sure, yeah." Peter waves at me, and I leave the cabin, my chest heavy as I leave her behind.

****

Fist under my chin to hold up my head through the second class of the day.
I don't know how I'm still functioning, but here I am, staring at these people running back and forth on the running track.
Sam is standing in front of me, a whistle in his mouth and his hands pinned on his hips.
"Uncle Sam!" two young voices echoes in the gym, and he turns to them.
I glance at Cass and AJ running inside with a Mickey Mouse hats covering their heads.
The kids run to Sam, and he lifts up Cass while patting AJ's head.
He looks up. "Wow, you two really went full crazy on poor Nova, huh?" Sam chuckles, looking behind me.