I Don't Want To Go Back

01

"Please, anak... just at least give me a chance to introduce him." Mommy keeps on bugging me with those "guys" she wants to introduce to me.

Please, nananahimik ako ba't ganito?

"Mommy, I already said no. Besides I am not that matanda na to commit, if you're worried that I might be a matandang-dalaga, then stop thinking. I will not." I urge, trying my best to understand my mother because she's too paranoid of me being alone and of her, will not having her apo from me in the future.

I am still at my 20s, why would everyone thinks I will be alone in the near future? I'm still exploring what this world could offer, bakit kailangan akong madaliin?

"Hindi pa naman kita ipapakasal, Sy. I just want you to meet someone. You know... to date and such things." She still conclude.

I sighed deeply and finally closed the book I was holding and reading earlier before she went in my room, I faced my mom and stayed as calm as I can. She's still my Mom even if she always urge me to date someone even if I don't want to and I am not yet ready to commit for longer relationship and things I can't handle.

"Ma, I know I am at my right age to have someone and to date someone. But please understand that I am not yet ready to meet someone for a long term relationship. I can't even handle my own self sometimes, paano pa kung dadagdagan ko pa ng isa? Don't you think about that?" I explained, trying to make her understand things i wanted her to understand.

Ang hirap talaga paliwanagan ng nanay ko, sumasakit ulo ko sa totoo lang.

She sighed and cupped my both cheeks. "Sy, I don't want you to feel pressured about it. But please naman, anak, parang awa mo na. Iwanan mo na 'yang pagpapakabaliw mo sa mga libro mo, at humanap ka ng totoong lalaking magmamahal sa'yo hanggang dulo..."

Ngumiwi ako, "Ma, naman e..."

"Halos mapuno na 'tong kwarto mo sa mga makakapal na librong mga 'yan, tingnan mo," she forcedly made me look at the side of my bed, particularly on my book's stands and shelves. "Kita mo? Sa dami niyan, ayan din ang dami ng mga opportunities at tao na nasayang mo, Sy."

I faced her again. "Ni wala kang kaibigan, at hindi na kita pinipilit magkaroon dahil alam ko namang hindi ka kakausap ng kahit sino dahol ayang mga libro mo lang ang may karapatang kausapin ka, right?"

Should I laugh? Totoo kasi.

"Kapag walang pasok, ni hindi ka na lumalabas ng kwarto mo para kumausap ng ibang tao, kahit ako nalang ang kausapin mo dahil hindi ka naman lumalabas kapag hindi ka niyayaya ni Dana. Isa pa 'yang si Dana, minsan mo nalang din kinakausap minsan naririnig ko pang sinusungitan mo-" i cut her off.

"Ma, si Dana lang 'yon. Normal sa abnormal na 'yon ang palagiang pagtataray ko, 'wag mo nang problemahin ang isang 'yon."

Mommy sighed again, napuputol ang pisi dahil sa katigasan ng ulo ko. E 'di kung hindi nalang niya ako kinukulit tungkol sa pag-bo-boyfrienf e 'di sana hindi siya naii-stress ngayon.

"Malamang, immune na 'yang si Dana sa topak mo." She tapped my cheeks, that made me winced a bit.

Aba, dapat lang siyang maging immune, isa pa siyang makulit ang ingay-ingay pa. Pero kahit gano'n ang isang 'yon, siya lang ang nagiisang nakakaintindi sa akin. Siya lang din kasi ang nagiisang tao na sumubok makipagkaibigan sa akin nung high school kami. Kawawa naman kaya kinaibigan ko na rin, loner din kasi siya noon.

"'Yong anak ng ninang mo, single baka gusto m-"

I forcedly removed her palm on my cheeks and reached for my book again.

"Bella Natalia Sybal! Subukan mo lang naman anak e!"

"Ayoko po, Mommy." I continued reading my book. It's a novel not a textbook.