I Don't Want To Go Back

23

"I love you like my own blood and flesh, even if our blood is not really the same."

" .. even if our blood is not really the same."

Only God who knows how that sentence broke the whole me. He knows how that sentence ruined me .. how that sentence urge me to give up and just let myself fall on my knees and leave everything behind.

More than 20 years of my existence, she has the more than 20 years of opportunity to tell me. Do I don't have the rights to know that .. that we're not blood related. That .. that she's not my biological Mom?

Maiintindihan ko naman. Maiintindihan ko.

"Please, Sy," she started crying as I try to function what she just said. "Please .. I'm really sorry." She held my head and leaned on it with hers, crying.

I left hanging. My mind is not working. It went blank and the thing I was just hearing was the sentence she last said.

" .. even if our blood is not really the same."

Our blood is what?

At this point of my life .. p'wede bang maglaho nalang ako bigla? 'Yung lahong walang ibang makakaalam. Walang magaalala. Walang iiyak. Walang maghahanap sa akin? P'wede ba 'yon?

"Let me go." I utter.

"Sy, anak .." she whispered.

"Let me go."

She did. She let me go. I didn't look at her even for once. There's so much things that's been running through my head right now, but the least I could do was to walk out. Was to hide. Was to run. Act as if I don't understand what she said.

I stood up, even if my knees were weak. I almost slip. But I managed. Nakayanan kong tumayo.

Wala nang luha. Pero masakit. Pilit kong isinasarado ang utak ko. Pilit kong hindi intindihan ang nalaman ko.

"Marami pa, Sy .. marami pa akong gustong sabihin. Marami ka pang dapat malaman." She spoke.

"Ano pa?" I answered with a low voice. Even my voice, lowered. Unable to speak louder. Para bang pati lalamunan ko may nakabara.

I slowly turned to her.

"P'wede sabihin n'yo na ngayon para isahan nalang, parang awa n'yo na oh." I plead.

She was crying with her hands intertwined with each other.

"'Yung .. 'yung tatay mong sinasabi ko, n-na patay na," she paused and meet my eyes. "'Yung asawa ko .. namatay siya nu'ng kakakasal palang namin- ilang linggo matapos kaming ikasal. May .. may sakit ako sa matres kaya we're not able to reproduce. Hindi kami nagka anak, pero napagusapan na namin bago siya mamatay sa sakit na .. na magaampon kami. Hanggang sa namatay nalang siya at hindi kami nakapag-ampon. I promised him that I will adopt and treat it as our own child." Pag-kwento niya.

Pagod ma'y lumuha pa rin ako habang nakikinig. Nanghihina pero pinili kong dagdagan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon para isahan na nga lang.

"Pero, Sy, ilang araw matapos siyang ilibing .. nangungulila pa ako nu'n sa kaniya, binibigyan ko pa ang sarili ko ng panahon para tanggapin na wala na siya nang .. may kumatok sa bahay namin, sa unang bahay natin. Pagbukas ko ng pinto wala namang tao, pero may karton. Turns out there's a baby inside the box. It was y-you." My heart stung in pain. It was numb and yet I felt pain inside.

I exhaled a deep heavy air.

"I saw a beautiful baby girl inside of that box left outside our house. Ikaw 'yun, Sy. I named you, I dressed you, I feed you. I didn't think twice and process your papers under my surname, hindi p'wedeng 'yung sa asawa ko dahil wala na nga siya. So basically, your surname is mine."