I Don't Want To Go Back

15

Nakailang ikot na ako sa kama para humanap nang komportableng p’westo pero wala. Kanina pa ako mulat at tulala. Kahit anong kagustuhan kong matulog nalang, at itulog nalang lahat— I just can’t!

There’s something in me na bumagabagab at alam naman nating lahat kung ano ‘yun.

Fuck, I just want this to end.

I turned to the other side of my bed and cleared my mind that’s been preoccupied of what just I discovered— my eyes were closed. My breathing if fine. But my mind is still preoccupied by things I shouldn’t be bothered of.

Wala naman dapat akong paki kung makipag-date siya sa iba. Wala akong dapat paki.

In fact, we just really know each other. Maybe hanggang du’n lang talaga? I told him! I fucking told him already that we could be good friends if only he accepted it— e ‘di sana payapa ang pamumuhay ko ngayon!

Guys aren’t really for me. Guy are just so... confusing.

There’s this piece of advice I’ve read before and it says, “If they like you, you’ll know; if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” And that was the best advice I’ve read so far and I guess i need more of that.

Damn... “if they like you, you’ll know; if they don’t, you’ll be confused.”

It keeps running through my head. Now I know why do I’ve been confused for so long with this guy.

I hissed and finally decided to get off my bed and rushed to my kitchen. I got myself a warm milk and sit on the high chair on the counter top on the center of my kitchen.

With my palm feeling the warmth of the glass of my milk, I thought about him— about what just I heard from someone who saw him with someone else.

It’s totally fine— I chuckled alone. Nah, fuck, it’s not.

Let’s be honest here, it is not fine. He made me feel that there is something between us, then he’ll ditch me with someone else. How bad.

I can’t blame him too. It is not his fault that I assumed things faster than Flash. Pero sino ako para hindi umasa? He was the first one who approached me, sa bahay palang ng Mama ko. He already gave me signals— already indirectly saying that he wants to work some things out with me.

We’re not kids enough to play this kind of game.

Hindi naman ‘to dapat nilalaro.

Hindi naman na siya bata para mang-gago.

It’s been four or more hours since he sent the message I read earlier saying that he’ll come over my place, and still he’s not here.

I’m waiting for his reasons, pero naiisip ko sino ako para bigyan ng paliwanag? I would be quite about this, that’ll be the right thing I would do for myself.

Kung sasabihin niya ‘yung totoong rason kung bakit hindi kami natuloy ngayong araw na ‘to, e ‘di good for him being a such honest man. Pero kung hindi e ‘di good luck.

I know nothing. I heard the third point of view, which was Dana’s. I’m not in the position to conclude things kasi hindi ko pa naman alam ang side ni Kylo. Kaya kumalma tayo.