I Don't Want To Go Back

05

“Sy, honey!” Mom was so excited by seeing me today.

I’ve decided to surprise her since it’s not weekend today, pero wala na kaming class and exams, finally natapos din. It was a long hell week for me, but it will be worth it when the results are out and I will be on top— or kahit basta maka-pasa lang ako at maging Doctor na. I want to rest actually, bago nanaman sumabak sa ilang taong training bago maging isang ganap na doctor.

“Mommy,” I kissed her cheeks. “How are you?”

“I’m fine, baby Sy! You, how are you doing?” she hugged me, and drag me to our house’s sofa. We sat net to each other.

“I’m fine, Mommy. The exams just done, sana lang po makapasa.”

“You will pass it for sure! Top pa!” she said, all smile. “Oh, how about Kylo?”

I was shocked when she asked that, “what, mmy?” reklamo ko.

“why?” patay malisyang aniya. “You know, Sy my dear... Kylo is a very nice and gentleman guy, why don’t you try to be friends?— oh, friends na lang!” she even pointed at me, obviously, teasing me.

“Mommy!” I grunted.

“Oh, bakit ba, Sy? Don’t tell me you don’t find Kylo handsome? He’s mabango kaya.” luh conyo ang mommy ko?

I made face and creased my forehead.

“’Wag mo ‘ko simangutan, Bella Sy. I’m just telling you to explore things as what you should do, college life is stressing right? So explore! And I just pressure you to find someone kasi we don’t know how long I would be here in the world, sinong makakasama mo for life?”

Mas lalong lumalim ang gitla sa noo ko nang marinig ang mga sinabi ni Mommy.

“Mom, what are you saying?” I grouch. “Hindi naman ho ‘yon mangyayari, at kung mangyayari man... matagal pa ‘yon.” I want to add, “baka nga mauna pa ako.” But nevermind baka kutusan pa ako ng nanay ko.

“Kaya nga, you need to find someone na magaalaga sa ‘yo once I am gone.”

“I don’t need to find love, Mom. I will wait for it, but I will never find and chase it.” period with a letter t

* * *

I’m currently lying on my bed and looking at my blank white ceiling, thinking about what my Mom said earlier.

She’s sort of right, but I will still stand on what I think is right— na we don’t need to find and chase love para lang may makasama habang-buhay. We just need to wait for it, it will come if it is really meant for us. It’s just our choice if we will accept it or will shove it away.

I don’t want to rush it. Kapag minadali, madali lang ding mawawala.

Do I had a boyfriend before? No. I am no boyfriend, since birth. I never had kiss anyone, aside from my Mom. I never hugged any guys, aside from my Tito’s, Grandpa and Godfathers. Well, I do had a fling when I was in high school. But i left it in the past, bata pa kami pareho no’n; walang alam sa kahit na anong bagay patungkol sa gano’n. I never counted it as my ex, I never considered it as love.

Because why would I?

My life is pretty boring, I know. But my Mom made it a bit exciting in some ways. And I am contented by how it works.

I sighed and got up to leave my bed. Pumasok ako sa walk-in closet para kumuha ng duffel bag, ipinatong ko ‘yon sa leather chair sa gitna ng closet bago kumuha ng tank top sa cabinet. I removed my white t-shirt and wore the beige tank top. I also changed my dolphin shorts into a black leggings that hugged my legs perfectly.