History of You and Me

Chapter 19

All I thought to do after my fiasco with Dal was to go to Bucky. I really shouldn't lean on him as much as I do but I just can't help it.

I go to his apartment and I knock on his door
No answer I wonder if he's out

I really just want to talk to someone right now. Especially Bucky

I knock again but harder this time.
Bucky halfway opens the door. A big smile on his face

"Oh hi- Dee"
His smile fades and he looks stressed suddenly
"You ok?"
I ask
"Uh yeah"
"No you're not what's wrong?"
I ask and he walks out into the hallways and closes the door

"What's up?"
He says stuffing his hand into his pockets.

He had been wearing his jacket and his gloves. He only does that when he has a person who doesn't know about his arm and his past, with him.
Then it hits me
Does he have a girl over
My stomach sinks to my feet
"Do you have someone over..? I-I wanted to clear my mind and talk to someone but.."
My words trail off. I just want to disappear now

Bucky opens his mouth then closes it then says
"Im not gonna lie to you.. There's this girl who-who I met a little over a month ago she was around we wanted-"
I stop him
"Okay. I-I'm gonna go.. I hope you have fun"
I say and walk off
I just wanna leave. This was a mistake

"Diane! Call me later? Or we could have dinner- or something. Anything you want!"
He yells as I walk away
I don't turn around
I couldn't

I want to be happy for Bucky but my heart just can't. He's my best friend I've gotta be happy for him. But god it's hard.
I can try.. I will try.. I really will

I leave his apartment complex and sit on the curb. I put my head in my hands.

So it's official. I'm the worst friend in the world. Do I push them all away? Is that what is it.. I don't understand how my two closest friends have messed with me twice in the same day.

Dahlia and I are absolutely done for, for the time being. She doesn't tell me anything. I get it we're not on talking basis but tell me about your boyfriend.. I mean Cmon

And Bucky. Maybe this is a sign I've gotta lay off of him. Not have him be my support system. Like how I called him last night. Shouldn't have done it but I just wanted to hear him talk.

"Are you alright?"
A girl says standing over me
I look up, startled
She holds her hand out and I take it and she pulls me up
"Just.. thinking"
"Oh we've all been there"
She speaks in the perfect voice I've ever heard
And her black hair falls just at her shoulders. But ever so perfectly. Not a single hair out of place. And her outfit, obviously effortless but comfortable and cute.

"Would you like a ride or a meal?"
She asks, concerned
I fake laugh to seem like I'm ok
"Oh no- Thank you for the offer but I'm alright"
She smiles

Then Bucky comes out. Holding a jacket. He locks eyes with me but I quickly break it
"Jessie you forgot your jacket"
He says awkwardly and quietly
She walks over to him and takes the jacket.
"Thanks. I don't know what I'd do without this jacket"
She giggles

So miss perfect is also buckys fling.

She takes a step forward to him, going to kiss him but she pauses. Buckys eyes are on me
"Is that the girl"
She asks under her breathe even though it's dead silent out here and you could here a mouse whisper

He nods
She lets out a small "oh"

I feel triumphant yet guilty. She's perfect and precious and just great for Bucky but yet somehow I've held him away from her without even doing anything
"Well I'll see ya'"
She says patting his shoulder then walking away. Just quickly taking a glance at me before she leaves.

Her heels click on the ground as she walks away and Bucky and I fill with awkwardness.

When her heel clicks are practically faded I say
"What'd I do"
Bucky let's out a breath as if he'd been holding it in
"You didn't do anything. After I went back inside she thought I wasn't fully there.. and she suspected it was about a girl.. so she thought I'd be better if she left"

"Do you- have you.. two kissed?"
I ask
"..no"
"You're lying"
"Ok.. we have. Once. Barley even count it as a kiss. You and I have kissed more than what she and I have done"

I bite my bottom lip
The urge to cry is stronger then ever. Not just cause of Bucky but.. everything

"Why are you so mad at me?"
He asks
"I'm not mad at you"
I slowly say

But what I wanted to say
I'm mad at myself, and dahlia. I just hate how things are turning out right now. I hate that I can't be happy for you and your relationships and I can't let go off my childhood crush.

But instead of saying that I just thought it. And tears escaped my eyes. I tried to blink them away but it only made it worse.

"Dee.."
Bucky says in a small voice

"Do I rely on you too much"
I ask turning to him
"No.. No! I love it a-and I love you and I love that you do that"

He walks over to me and pulls me into a tight hug.