Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Save Yourself

Dear diary,

It's been almost two months since Andrew died and life has started to go back to normal. Well, as normal as it can get in the middle of a global pandemic. I've been working more hours at the station since all of my classes are virtual and we don't have any clinical hours. Normally being a paramedic can be really tough, but lately, in a world that's already filled with people dying, it feels exceptionally good to be able to do something, especially something that's helping people.

Today was another day I was really grateful to be at the station. We set up a drive through covid testing center in the barn. Carina came to help with all of it too which I was excited about. I thought it would be really fun to have her there and get to work all together, but she was in such a mood and kept snapping at everyone. She had seemed fine at home yesterday so I was really confused and kept looking at Maya, silently asking what was up. The look of confusion on her face showed me that she didn't know either. But clearly there was something going on.

I tried to work with her, hoping she would tell me something if I was nearby, but she asserted that there were too many people to test for us to be partnered up, especially since I knew what I was doing and sent me over to another station. I guess man-power wasn't really the issue because Ben came over to work with me about 10 minutes later and Carina didn't seem to mind at all. We hit a lull after an hour or two so I went into the firehouse to grab some water and saw Maya staring blankly out the window of her office.

Tapping on the door, Mattie walked into the captain's office and quietly shut the door behind her.

"Okay what's going on?" She asked as she walked over and sat down in front of Maya's desk.

"Huh?" Maya asked, only half listening, as she looked over at Mattie.

"Well Carina has been snapping at everyone all day and you have that look you get when you can't get a scary thought out of your head. So, like I said, what's going on?"

"I think Carina has to move back to Italy." Maya said it in such a matter of fact way that it didn't hit Mattie at first. It took a solid 20 seconds for the words to sink in.

"She what?!"

I talked to Maya and she explained that Carina's visa is expiring and there's been an issue getting it renewed. She wasn't totally sure about the process but she didn't sound hopeful. I tried to talk to her about it more but she just shook her head and said we both needed to get back to work. I nodded in agreement and we both headed back to our stations, but I couldn't shake the awful feeling sitting in the pit of my stomach.

Not long after, a call came in and half the team left. About the same time, Jack headed into Maya's office with an Ipad. Levi and the team at Grey Sloan were taking Marsha off the vent and Inara and Marcus had come so the three of them could be together and call in to virtually be there. Jack looked so sad as he told me what was going on and I wished for the hundredth time today that this virus would just go away. Unfortunately my wish didn't work so I had to go back to my station and keep testing members of the community.

I kept looking back at the office to see how Jack was doing. He puts on a brave face but I know how much Marsha means to him and what a devastating blow losing her would be. I turned and saw him talking to Carina, which in itself was strange, but then I saw that Carina was crying. I didn't have anyone at my station so I paused my restock and headed over to see what was going on. Carina walked out into the barn as I approached the door and I could see she had been trying hard to keep it together. I motioned over to a little alcove away from all the testing and she nodded silently as she followed me over.

"My um.. My visa," Carina started, her voice breaking.

"I know," Mattie responded calmly. "Maya told me." Seeing her friend start to cry again, Mattie put a hand on her arm which Carina reached over and grabbed onto. She cried for a minute before taking a few shaky breaths to calm herself down.

"Okay," Carina said with a nod. "We have work to get back to."

Mattie nodded. "You okay enough for now?"

Carina wiped her eyes and nodded, "Yeah. Enough for now."

We only talked for a minute before heading back to work, but I was glad to at least check in with her and let her know that I know. I had to try really hard not to think about what all of this is going to mean for her and Maya. This is such a crappy situation and I really hope it can be resolved without Carina having to leave the country.

The team got back later on just as we were wrapping up with the covid testing. I went up to the beanery to hang out with Vic as she watched the soup Travis was heating up. She told me that his mom had made it for the team and went on and on about how good this soup was. As she was talking, I kept looking over at Maya and Carina cuddled in the den as they sat with Jack, Inara, and Marcus. Suddenly they all jumped up so Vic and I ran over to see what happened. Against all odds, Marsha woke up!!

After all the excitement, I heard Maya tell Carina she was going with her, presumably to Italy. I chose to ignore it for the moment as we continued to celebrate Marsha's recovery, relishing any good news we could get. Then the team gathered around the table and we all ate Travis's mom's soup, which by the way was every bit as good as Vic said it was. By the time we were all leaving I was so exhausted that I almost forgot to ask about Italy until we were almost home. Carina explained that with everything with her visa, and Andrew, and the surge of covid in Italy, she felt like she needed to go back home for a while. And Maya chimed in saying that she was going to go with her. They seemed really happy about it so I put a fake smile on my face and used the long day as an excuse to go to bed as soon as we got back.

To be honest, I hate the idea of them leaving. Selfishly I want them both here, I love having them in my bubble and hate the idea of not seeing them everyday. Even more than that, I hate the idea of them being somewhere that covid is even worse. It's scary enough here in Seattle, but in Italy... it's all hands on deck and I'm scared they won't be safe.

Anyway, Giuls is calling so I guess I should give her the update. Maybe we should put a pin in our apartment search since she could probably just move in here for at least a few months while Maya and Carina are gone. Plus, talking to her always makes me feel better.

Mattie