Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

Dear Diary,

I was still kinda mad at Maya when I got up today. I could hear her milling around so I stayed in my room until I thought the coast was clear. When I headed to the kitchen to get coffee, Maya popped her head out of her room to ask if I wanted to go for a run. I told her I was tired and needed to study, but she complained that I haven't run with her in forever and it would be a good way to get my brain ready to be productive the rest of the day. I relented and went to get changed; how much could we talk on a run anyway?

I don't know if it was the endorphins, or the fresh air, or the fact that I kept expecting Maya to defend herself and she didn't say a word, but I wasn't as mad when we got back to the apartment. I was honestly getting worried about her. I took a shower and pulled myself together before heading into the kitchen to make breakfast. Passing by Maya's room, I saw her sitting on her bed staring blankly down at the ground in front of her. I poked my head in to ask if she was okay. She never actually told me about everything that went down with her and Carina yesterday, so I'm not sure if she even knows that I know. She perked up, said she was fine, and followed me into the kitchen. The rest of the morning, I kept seeing her fade off, like she was distracted and thinking about other things. I didn't want to push it, so I just left well enough alone. Plus she had to leave for work soon, so it was probably better to just let it go for the time being.

After Maya left for work, I sat down to do some studying before meeting Giuls and her mom for lunch. As 1pm grew closer and closer, I became increasingly nervous. I'm not really sure why; I've talked to her mom a little bit when Giuls and I have been on facetime, and she seemed perfectly nice. Plus, we've been together for a while now, so it'd be kinda hard for her mom to just put a stop to it. But regardless, I could feel my heart beat faster and faster as the morning wore on. I got ready early, fixed my hair about 15 times, and paced around the apartment until it was time to leave for lunch.

Giuls got to the restaurant at the same time I did, and she said her mom was a few minutes away. I guess she could tell I was nervous cause she took my hand, kissed my cheek, and assured me that her mom would love me.

Mrs. Green walked up to the restaurant, hugged her daughter, then turned to Mattie.

Mattie extended a hand, "Hi Mrs. Green. It's so nice to meet you."

"Oh honey, please call me Audra" Giuls's mom said as she pulled Mattie into a hug.

Mattie visibly relaxed as the three women walked into the restaurant.

The lunch ended up being so nice. Mrs. Green... I mean Audra was so sweet. She asked about school and said she thought it was amazing that I'm working as a paramedic while I'm working toward becoming a doctor. I said I thought it was remarkable that she was in the army reserve and thanked her for her service. She told stories about all the places she's travelled, asked about my summer abroad in Madrid, and said that Spain was one place she never got to but was high up on her list. Then she started telling stories about Giulianna as a little kid. Giuls turned bright red as her mom talked about her, but I thought the stories were adorable and told her she had no reason to be embarrassed. Between my mom and the Herreras, Giuls had heard more than her share of embarrassing stories from my childhood.

Three hours later, Audra had to leave to pick up Jasper, so Giuls and I headed to the library. We both have exams next week so we scrapped our usual weekly date night for a study date. As we walked the few blocks to my favorite building, she pulled me into her, saying she told me so: her mom loved me.

On my way home from the library, I stopped by the station to see how everything was going. I wanted to check on Andy after our phone call yesterday, and see how Maya was doing. This morning she was pretending that nothing happened but I know she can only keep that charade up for so long. Almost everyone was out on a call when I got there, except for Vic who was at the reception desk. She told me that something had fallen on her earlier in the day; she assured me she was fine, but Maya wanted her to sit this call out just to be safe. I asked how Maya was doing and Vic seemed confused that I would even ask, saying that she was totally fine. Seemed like normal Maya. Then I asked about Andy. Vic admitted that she seemed kinda off, but didn't know what the deal was. Of course Vic being Vic, asked if I knew anything, telling me to 'spill the tea'. I laughed and said I really didn't know, I just had a weird conversation with her yesterday and was trying to figure out what was going on.

The crew got back 20 minutes later, sooty and exhausted, and everyone went to shower and rest. I tried to catch Andy but she could read the concern on my face before I even said anything. She told me she was okay, she was just having a moment yesterday and told me not to worry about her. I wasn't totally convinced, but chose to believe her. On my way out, I popped into Maya's office. She was sitting at her desk doing paperwork and barely noticed that I walked in until I sat down on her desk. She looked up to face me, surprised to see me at the station since I wasn't working today. Before I could ask if she was doing okay, she realized that I must have been there cause I found out about Carina.

"Did she tell you or did you hear it all last night?" Maya asked looking back down at the form on her desk.

"Both," Mattie admitted.

"Are you mad?" Maya asked, still not making eye contact.

"I mean honestly I was a little, but it's not about me. So I'll ask again, are you okay?"

Maya shook her head, but finally looked up "Can we not talk about it?"

Mattie obliged. "Yeah, okay. I'll see you at home" she said touching Maya's arm and giving her a soft smile on her way out.

I headed home and texted Carina to check in. She said she obviously wasn't great but she'd be okay. I'll probably see her when I'm at the hospital for clinicals tomorrow so I can actually see how she is. She's usually more open with talking about things so at least I'll actually have an idea of how she's doing and what she needs. Maya on the other hand, especially when she knows that she messed up, is always so closed off. I'm still annoyed with her for cheating on Carina, but I know that she wouldn't have done that unless something was going on with her, and that regardless, this can't be easy for her. Anyway, there's not much I can do for now except get some sleep and make sure I'm ready for a long day tomorrow.

-Mattie