Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

I Want To Go Back There Again

Dear Diary,

I was at my moms today, looking for pictures of Pruitt for the funeral and found a bunch of old diary entries from when I was a kid. I read over some of them and was hit with a flood of emotions as I remembered my childhood. In a bunch of them, I recounted stories about my time with the Herreras. It's crazy to see how far Andy and I have come in our friendship, and remember all of the sweet things Pruitt did for me over the years...

8/24/2006

I had such a fun day! I went to the fire station with Andy to visit Captain Herrera. I think it's kinda funny, I just realized that I call him Mr. Herrera when I see him at home, but whenever we go to the station I always have to call him Captain. Anyway, I headed over to Andy's this morning when mom left for work and we hung out for a while. We played a round of Royalty, she won this time :/ and then we walked over to the station to visit Captain Herrera. As we walked over, I asked if we should invite Ryan. Andy got weirdly quiet and just shook her head. I asked why and she said there was no reason, she just didn't think that he'd want to go today. I could tell she wasn't telling me the truth so I bugged her until she told me the real reason she didn't want Ryan to come.

She said that she likes Ryan. I laughed, telling her that I like him too. That's why I wanted him to come with us. She stopped walking and just looked over at me, like I was totally missing the point. Then I realized what she meant; she like-likes him. Oooooh. I teased her about it for a little bit but then actually asked her what she was going to do. Did she want to try to date him? Did she think he liked her too? She said she really didn't know; it was hard to tell. Then she asked me to let her know if I heard anything from Ryan. I agreed. As we got to the station Andy told me I couldn't say anything about it when her dad was around. There was no way that he would be okay with them dating... but to be fair we don't think he'd be okay with her dating anyone.

When we got to the station, Captain Herrera poured us glasses of lemonade and let us sit on the walkway above the barn and watch everyone clean and stock the trucks. As always, I asked if we could go down the pole. And as always, he said no. But he did let us put on his helmet and coat. I think he called it a ... turn out? I don't remember. Anyway, it was really heavy. Then the sirens went off and said they had to go put out a fire. Captain Herrera told us that if we stuck around we could have lunch with the crew when they got back so we went to his office to hang out until then.

We were sitting in the office looking for something to do when Andy said she wanted to be a firefighter. I was confused, cause while I know she always likes going to the station and looks up to her dad, she is SUCH a good dancer. I asked her about it and why she didn't want to stick with salsa. She told me that she could make more of a difference as a firefighter than as a dancer. I guess that's true, but I hope she keeps dancing too. It's so much fun to watch her dance in competitions... and extra fun to watch her win all the time.

Then she asked me what I want to be when I grow up. I told her I want to be a doctor like my dad was. She said she didn't know that he was a doctor. That makes sense... I don't really like to talk about dad very much. It's been 2 years since he died and I miss him a lot. I'm starting to forget things too which is really hard. Like the way he smelled and the sound of his voice and the way he used to make pancakes. Anyway, I told her that he was a surgeon, he worked on hearts, and I wanted to do the same thing. Then I asked about her mom. I thought she was a firefighter too, but couldn't fully remember. She said that she was going to be but then she got pregnant and had to leave the academy. I nodded, and changed the subject, noticing that Andy seemed sad talking about her mom.

When Captain Herrera got back he made us grilled cheese sandwiches and we sat down with all the guys to eat lunch. I noticed that there weren't any women and asked why that was. All the guys just looked at me, like they had never really noticed it before. Captain Herrera told me that's just the way it was. There weren't many female firefighters in the city. I was so surprised to hear it. I always grew up being told I could be anything I wanted, and I thought more girls would want to be firefighters. I leaned over to Andy and whispered that she should definitely become a firefighter. She smiled and promised she would, as long as I became a doctor. We shook on it and then finished lunch before heading home.

We ran into Ryan as we were getting back and Andy got so red. I had to try really hard not to laugh. But then I noticed that Ryan was blushing too. Andy made some excuse, saying that she thought she heard my mom calling us. I knew full well my mom was at work but played along and yelled down the street to say we were on our way. Andy and I ran off giggling and collapsed onto my porch in a fit of laughter. She asked if I thought he looked flushed too and I said yes. I told her that he definitely liked her. She squealed and I couldn't help but laugh at her. I can't imagine liking either of them that way, but I guess it would be kind of cool if they dated.

Andy and I spent the rest of the afternoon laughing, and eating popsicles on the porch before my mom got home and called me in for dinner. We had chicken parm (one of my favorites!) and fresh figs with honey for dessert! Overall, it was a really fun day.

-Mattie

12/18/2009

Today was the father-daughter dance at school. When I found out about it last month it made me really sad and I knew right away that I wasn't going to go. I didn't tell mom about it, cause I knew she'd feel bad and try to fix it for me or cheer me up or something and I didn't want to deal with it. A week or so after I found out, I was hanging out with Ryan and Andy and they asked me about it. They had seen a flyer about it at school and wanted to know how I felt. I admitted that I was a little sad thinking about it, and the fact that these things always remind me how much I miss my dad.

Ryan could see that the conversation was making me sad so instead he asked about the holidays coming up. We talked about what we wanted for Christmas and how much we were looking forward to having a break from school. Then we made hot chocolate and looked out the window as Captain Herrera drove by dressed up as Santa Clause on top of the fire engine.

Anyway, the dance was today and I was a little grumpy and sad all day. When I got home, I was surprised to see my mom was home already. She made me a cup of tea while I did my homework and got started with dinner early. We don't usually eat until 7 at the earliest, but tonight we ate at 5. Then mom told me to go upstairs and look in my closet. I opened the doors and saw a beautiful purple dress hanging there. I called down to my mom asking why it was there. I never told her about the dance so I was super confused. She told me to just get dressed and then she braided my hair and twisted it up into a little updo. I thought that maybe she found out and we were going to have a dance at home or something (mom was always trying to do special stuff to help me feel less like I was missing something). Then I heard the doorbell ring.

Mom made me answer it and I saw Pruitt Herrera standing on my porch in a suit and purple tie with a bouquet of beautiful white flowers. He asked if I was ready to go to the dance and I immediately started crying. I asked how they even knew about the father daughter dance and Captain Herrera admitted that Andy had organized the whole thing. She remembered how much she loved going to this dance when she was in 8th grade and didn't want me to miss out on it. So she asked her own dad to step up and go with me.

It was a really special night. I still missed my dad, but it felt nice to be able to go to the dance and made me feel so special and loved. It was nice to know that Captain Herrera cared enough to take the time to go with me. We hung out with my friends and Pruitt happily introduced himself to all the other dads. He made sure that everyone knew he wasn't my real dad, but told them all that he loved me like a daughter. We danced and drank punch and laughed and had a really great night. I'm so grateful to have a great mom and incredible second family in the Herreras. I love them all so much and can't imagine my life without them.

-Mattie

I laughed and cried and read sections aloud to my mom as I made my way through the old journals. In some ways it's nice to remember the kind of relationship I had with Pruitt, and in others it just breaks my heart knowing that I'll never see him again. That I'll never get to thank him for everything he did for me, although there could never be enough words to convey how much it all meant. I'll miss him forever.

-Mattie