Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Satellite of Love

Dear Diary,

I had a really weird shift yesterday. I haven't been super excited about going into work lately, just because Maya has been so intense as captain and it's made things awkward and frustrating with the whole team. But I saw Carina leave the apartment this morning, so I was hoping that maybe things would be a little smoother.

It became clear very quickly that that wasn't going to be the case. Things were really heated between Gibson and Vasquez (Jack slept with his wife, which is like a huge no-no). Plus, the PRT arrived today so Chief Dixon came for the photo-op. And with that came two new (and not so new) members of the team. First we found out that Pruitt was going to be working with Warren on the PRT. I was surprised, but I'm happy that he's feeling up to working and excited that I'll get to see him more. The second, was a new probie. His name is Emmett... Emmett Dixon. He's the chief's son and I can't imagine that this is going to be fun.

Not long into the shift, we got called out to an aircraft crash. I jumped in the aid car with Travis, and tried to get my hands to stop shaking. All I could think about was the plane crash that killed Mark and Lexie. I guess Trav noticed that I was a little off and asked what was going on. I explained that a bunch of my friends had been in a plane crash 6 years ago, and the idea of going to a call like that is just wigging me out a little bit. But I assured him (and myself) that I was fine and pulled myself together.

We got to the scene and it didn't really look like there had been an aircraft explosion. There was some debris and little fires, but no plane. On top of that, there was a gas leak that ignited, setting the entire gas station on fire. I grabbed a jump bag out of the rig and started walking over to treat injured civilians when Maya started giving out orders. She paused to ask where I thought I was going. I motioned over toward the people bleeding on the sidewalk, and she said I had to wait for directions before going anywhere, and called me 'Rodriguez,' she's never called me that, even on a call. And then she ordered me to do exactly what I was already going to do. Andy laughed when she saw me roll my eyes saying that I was finally starting to see it.

I tried to shake it off but it's just so annoying. Like I know what my job is, I only have one, I don't know why she couldn't just let me do it. Especially when I was already doing what she wanted me to. Anyway, I treated a couple scrapes and minor burns, but luckily no one was hurt too badly. As I worked, I kept looking back at the gas station. Vic walked through the foam covered fire to clamp the gas line so they could actually put it out, and I could tell it was a really risky move. I was honestly surprised that Maya sent her out there. As I finished with my last patient, I saw Vic running back toward the engine; she was literally on fire. I ran back over to make sure she was okay, but Travis had sprayed her down and extinguished the flames before I got there. Luckily it seemed like her turnout protected her, so we just needed to scrub her down to get all the gasoline off of her clothes.

As I worked with Travis and Andy to scrub Vic's turnout, she started talking about how she lowkey moved in with Jackson without telling him. She asked if that was bad and Trav and Andy told her it was. I stayed silent, not knowing what to say. Vic looked over at me to ask how bad it was. I've known Jackson for years so she wanted to know how mad he would be. I told her it was bad, suggesting that she move her stuff out and find a place quickly or just tell him. Cause if he figures it out he's gonna be pissed. I even said that she could come crash at my place for a few nights, but she laughed at the idea of willingly living with Maya right now.

I was bringing more supplies over to the Aid 23 crew when I saw an explosion. I ran over to see if anyone was hurt and saw Gibson and Vasquez on the ground. Jack looked fine, but Rigo... he was hurt pretty badly. The explosion left him with a deep cut and we could see his intestines starting to come out. Andy and I ran to get Warren while Jack held pressure. I wanted so badly to go with Ben and see the PRT in action, but I knew I had to stay with the aid car. Instead, I went to give Maya an update on the situation. Andy came over to tell Maya that it wasn't a plane, but a rocket, and we needed a hazmat team. She also yelled about how Jack and Rigo never should have been sent out together. I can't say I disagree there.

Maya and Andy kept fighting about it once we got back to the station. Andy was blaming Maya for Rigo getting hurt, but Jack intervened to say that it was his fault, not Maya's. But Andy wouldn't hear it, she insisted that everything, good or bad, was on the captain; that's part of the job. Then Maya got really pissed at everyone and started yelling about how it is a job and she is the captain and that everyone has been insubordinate and disrespectful. Then she told us to either get in line or transfer. The whole time I tried to hide behind Vic wishing I were anywhere else.

Later on, I was sitting at the desk when I saw Carina leave Maya's office. I was surprised to see her at the station so stopped her on her way out. She said she had come by to bring Maya lasagna (awwwww). Then she looked at me, started to say something and then just didn't. I asked her what was up and she finally asked if Maya is always a little hot and cold, mentioning that Maya said that she was broken. I nodded, saying that she can be, when she's stressed she can make rash decisions and be kinda snippy. Carina didn't look too reassured, so I went on to say that even though she can be like that sometimes, at the end of the day, she's worth it. Carina nodded, saying she thought so, and headed back to the hospital.

After shift, everyone went to Grey Sloan to check on Rigo. Miraculously, he was stable and in the ICU. When we got home, Maya started acting like everything was normal. I've been doing the same thing most of the time, but I was just too tired to put on an act.

"Hey you wanna watch a movie or something tonight?" Maya asked.

Mattie shook her head, "I just can't tonight." She sounded so tired.

"You can't watch a movie?" Maya jested.

"I can't pretend that everything's normal. I'm just exhausted." Mattie admitted.

Maya looked confused, "What do you mean?"

"For the past few weeks I've been trying so hard not to get annoyed with you at work, but honestly, it's not always easy. And then I try to ignore everyone else's comments, or remind them that you're doing your best and genuinely trying to do good things for the station and I feel like I'm always caught in the middle. And then when we get home, I try so hard to shake off all the anger I accumulated throughout the day so we can just be friends," Mattie explained. "And it's really exhausting. So I just can't tonight Maya. I'm sorry, I just... can't."

"Oh," Maya replied, "o-okay."

Mattie could tell she had hurt her feelings and felt a little bad, but she was just so sick of it. She needed a break.

I headed to my room and kinda ignored Maya the whole next day. I didn't want to be mean, and I really didn't want to hurt her, I just really really needed a break. I left early to get some work done at the library, then went out for lunch with Andy. We picked up sushi and brought it to the park and had a little picnic. It was really cute. And it gave me a chance to check in on her. She hasn't wanted to talk about what's happening with her dad, but I want to at least make sure I frequently give her the space to talk if she ever wants to.

After that, I met up with Giuls and Jasper. We went to the movies because this one theatre was doing a sensory friendly showing of Bumblebee (a transformers movie). They rarely go to the movies together since it can be a bit much for Jas to sit still for 2 hours in a dark room, with lots of people, and a really loud movie. Plus, Jas loves transformers, so it was pretty special. We made a whole night of it; we got as many snacks as we could carry, and picked out the very best seats. It was really fun.

And Maya was already in bed by the time I got home. My day out of the house was exactly what I needed to be less annoyed with her. I'm still not entirely looking forward to our shift tomorrow, but at least I won't be going into it angry.

-Mattie