Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Stuck*

Dear Diary,

It's been really great to work as a paramedic again; honestly, it's actually better here than it was in New York. The station 19 team is so much more of a family than any group I've ever worked with before. That being said, they were definitely hesitant to have me there at first, especially considering I'm only 23 and not a firefighter, but it definitely helped to have Captain Herrera and Andy back me up.

My first few shifts, I mostly hung out with Andy which meant i also spent a lot of time with Maya and Jack. ...speaking of Jack, I'm pretty sure he and Andy are hooking up or dating or something. Know one talks about it, so maybe no one knows, but I've known Andy too long and too well to not know that something is going on. Either way, once Gibson decided I was okay, he's been really funny and cool to spend time with. And Maya is super sweet! She's a little bit much sometimes, but I love seeing how close she and Andy are. Plus I've been running with her which has been great training for me considering she used to be an Olympian.

On top of all the personal stuff, I've been out on a couple of crazy calls. A few days ago we got called out to a structure fire at a candy store. I was expecting typical burns and smoke inhalation, but I could not have been more wrong. When we got there, we saw that some of the candy had gotten so hot that it melted and burned the store owner. Travis was on the aidcar with me, and since I'd never seen anything like it, I turned to him for advice.

"Don't look at me," he said, shaking his head at me, eyes just as wide in shock. "This is definitely not normal"

Eventually we decided to try using cold saline to cool the molten sugar before it continued to burn the poor man's skin. It worked well enough for us to get him to the hospital, thank god. And let's just say I haven't been able to look at gummy bears the same way since.

Anyway, that about catches you up to today. It started out like any other, we got called out to a fire, the team ran in and put it out, I helped treat and transport the victims to the hospital. Once we got back, I was hanging in the beanery with Maya and Vic, watching Travis prep dinner. It was pretty peaceful, and then the alarm went off.

I raced down to the barn and was about to jump into the aid car when Andy stopped me.

"You're coming with me," she said quietly.

I shook my head in confusion. "What??"

"Probie," she bellowed, calling Ben over. "You're riding over on the aid car, I'm stealing Mattie."

He shot me a look, clearly as confused as I was, but we both just shrugged it off; we had to get going.

Following Andy's instructions, and hoping Captain Herrera didn't see, I jumped in the back of the engine with Andy and Maya. Immediately, Maya and I could tell that something was up.

"Okay, what's going on?" I asked.

"Something good? Something bad?" Maya added. "Something Jack?" Her question confirmed my theory; they were definitely dating.

Andy said nothing, but held up her left hand.

"He didn't!" I gasped, while Maya tried to ask if she was happy about it or not. It didn't take long to see that Andy definitely was not thrilled.

Before we could delve into it too much, we arrived on the scene and saw that a highrise building was on fire. To make matters worse, the fire hydrant was blocked. I couldn't help but laugh when I saw that it was Ryan's cop car blocking it. Even funnier was Andy hitting it with the engine to move it out of the way.

The three of us grew up together, both Andy and Ryan like older siblings to me. I knew them about as well as I knew myself and was used to their banter. He put up a fight, and Andy argued back, and I just rolled my eyes at the whole situation. It was nice to be back in Seattle and with the two of them again.

Once we parked, Ben and I swapped places and I waited by the aidcar for further instruction. I listened to the radio as the team went into the building in pairs to sweep everyone out and extinguish the flames. A few minutes later, I heard Jack's voice saying that he couldn't find the Captain. Anxiously, I waited to hear a response from Herrera, but there was nothing. Eventually, I heard Andy say that she found him, but my blood ran cold when she said he wasn't breathing.

I knew I had to prep the gurney, have everything ready to go to save him, but I was frozen. I couldn't move. It didn't help that the team then warned that there was about to be a flashover, aka the floor my team was on was about to explode. With all the strength in me, I pulled it together and got everything set up. Then watched in horror as Maya, Andy, and Jack, who had Pruitt strapped to his back, jumped out the freaking window and onto the crash pads below. I had seen some wild things back in New York, but this was hands down the most terrifying.

Thankfully, Warren took over for me and helped Travis with Captain Herrera. Seeing him unconscious, barely hanging onto life, I definitely wasn't in the best frame of mind. I grabbed Andy's hand and together we jumped into the back of the aid car while Ben rushed us to Grey Sloan.

"It's gonna be okay," I whispered, trying to calm both Andy and myself. "He's gotta be okay."

Once we got to the hospital, I wanted to jump into med student/hospital shadow mode and watch as my friends at Grey Sloan tried to save Pruitt's life. I was able to sneak in for a few minutes before Bailey caught me hiding in the corner of the room.

"Mattie," she said firmly. "You cannot be in here right now."

"But," I tried to protest.

"No buts. You are not shadowing in my hospital today. You're here as a paramedic. Now go out and join your team in the waiting room."

I sighed, but resigned, knowing I would never win in a fight against Miranda Bailey. Heading out to the waiting room, I sat down near Maya, leaving a space between us for Andy who joined a minute later. No one spoke while we waited for an update, we just shared silent looks that said it all: we were terrified.

Eventually Bailey and Mer came out to say he was stable and pulled Andy aside separately to talk to her more about his condition. The rest of us packed up and headed back to the station to finish off the shift.

I went home and quickly showered and changed before heading across the street to Andy's house.

She opened the door and greeted me with a hug that was long and tight and neither of us wanted to let go from.

"Okay," I sighed out. "How is he?"

"He has cancer," she said, tears immediately filling her eyes as she heard the words aloud.

I felt my eyes well up too. The thought of losing Pruitt Herrera, the closest thing I've had to a dad for the last 14 years, was just too hard.

We sat together on the porch for a while, not saying much, just taking comfort in each other's company. 20 minutes later Ryan appeared and I excused myself so they could have time together, hugging them both as I left. I didn't want to cry in front of Andy, but the second I made it through my front door, the flood gates opened and I collapsed on my couch, sobbing.

I'm not sure what's going to happen next, with his health, the station, any of it, and that makes it all worse. All I know is that I'm glad I don't have a shift tomorrow so I can go visit him in the hospital.

- Mattie