Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Eulogy

Dear Diary,

Ryan's funeral was yesterday. It's been a week since he died and it still doesn't feel real. I had dinner with my mom the other night and almost stopped by his house to say hi, forgetting that he wasn't there. I've been struggling to come to terms with everything, but I'm getting there I guess. Giuls has called to check on me everyday and has been stopping by periodically just to hang out, or bring coffee, or try to cheer me up. Maya's really been trying too, especially with Andy, who has been pretty shut down since it happened.

I know that Maya has tried to get her to talk to her, but she refused. I tried talking to her too and we did a little, but I could tell that neither of us wanted to so we mostly just.. didn't. I only really ever see her grieve at night. Andy has still been sleeping in my room every night since Ryan died. To be honest, I don't mind. I'd rather not be alone anyway (and Giuls can't stay over here cause she has Jasper). Anyway, I can hear Andy cry sometimes when she thinks I'm asleep. It's heartbreaking, but at least I know she's processing things, even if it's not the way that everyone else expects or wants.

So today, I put on a black dress and heels, did my make-up for the first time in a week, and prepared myself to say one last goodbye. Maya came to check on me and Andy as we got ready, but there really wasn't anything she could say or do to make the day any better. When we got there, I stood with Andy and Pruitt. The rest of the 19 team was there too, as were Giuls and my mom, but they stood a bit behind us. It was long, and sad, and I wanted to be anywhere else. As everyone spoke, I found it harder and harder to be there. I looked over and could tell that Pruitt was feeling it all too. But Andy... she just looked blank, numb. I linked my arm through hers and she tried to brush me off at first, but resigned to letting me be there. A few minutes later, she reached over and put her other hand on my arm. I looked up at her and saw her start to tear up. She didn't cry. She didn't say anything. But from the look on her face I could tell that at least she was feeling something, and I was glad that she hadn't completely shut down.

My mom came to give me a quick hug when the funeral ended before she had to leave and get to court. I know how busy she's been with this case, but I was glad that she made it to the funeral. Giuls then pulled me into a hug and apologized that she also had to leave. She was only able to make it to the funeral because Jas had therapy at the same time. She gave me a quick kiss and headed out.

As I was leaving, I met back up with Maya. I could tell that she had been crying and it suddenly dawned on me that I had been so wrapped up in my own grief and trying to look after Andy that I hadn't even asked how Maya was doing with everything; after all, Ryan was her friend too. I apologized, but she said it was fine; she knew it was worse for me, and even worse for Andy. I told her that even if I was going through it, I was always there for her too. She smiled and hugged me and then we went to grab Andy so we could head home.

Maya's been getting up earlier than me and Andy to go to work lately, but today Andy got up with her. Her alarm woke me too and I asked why she was up so early. She said she was going to work. When I asked if that was really the best idea, she assured me that work was exactly what she needed. I decided that if Andy was going into the station, I'd go too. Part of me wanted to keep an eye on her and part of me just wanted to be with my friends. Sullivan agreed to let her work, and then saw me at the station and asked if I was trying to join the shift too. I admitted that I didn't really want to work today; I wasn't in the best headspace and didn't want to put patients at risk. But I asked if I could just be at the station, work the desk or something. He agreed and said he was glad I wasn't going to fight him for a shift.

Not long after shift started, Andy got called out on aid car. Maya tried to swap with her but of course she refused. I helped restock the trucks and make sure they were clean and just chatted with my friends. It was really, really, nice to be with all of them. Vic asked for updates on things with Giuls. I told her there wasn't much to tell and that things were still good. She nodded, but looked like she was only half listening. Then she asked what it was like meeting her parents, but I didn't have anything to tell her cause I haven't met them. It's hard when even she hasn't seen her dad in 9 years and her mom is on another continent. She nodded half-heartedly again and headed off to find Dean.