Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Indoor Fireworks

Dear Diary,

I hated today. I hated today so much. When I woke up, I had no idea how bad it would be. In fact, I even thought it would be good. I got up and went for a run with Maya. Then I met Giuls for breakfast. Jasper was at a playdate, so we had a few hours to ourselves which was really nice. And then I headed to the hospital for the day.

As I was walking in, I ran into Amelia who looked like she was fully freaking out. I asked her what was up, and she confessed that she had just told Link that he might not be the father of her baby... it could be Owen's. Yikes. Anyway, she told Link to take some time to think things over, but she's really nervous that Link won't want to raise the baby with her if it isn't his. It's a pretty valid fear, and I definitely don't know Link well enough to know what he's gonna do. So I just told her that no matter what happens, everything will be okay.

Also, apparently Maggie quit! She had a really tough loss, her biological cousin in fact, and it shook up her confidence. I asked Amelia if it would help to go talk to her but she said Maggie probably wouldn't even answer the door. And if she did and thought I was gonna try to talk about it she would shut the door in my face. Plus, Richard went over to talk to her and if she needed to hear from anyone right now, it's him.

I headed up to recovery to check on all the residents. They're still recovering from the accident at Joe's and I wanted to check in on them. Luckily they're all doing just fine and recovering well. After that I went down to the ER to try to learn something. There were some really odd cases today. First was a kid who was mysteriously coughing up blood and had shortness of breath and no one could figure out why. Then there was the guy with a fish stuck in his throat. Ugh, Men. They're so dumb sometimes.

A little while later, I heard an ambulance pull up and followed Teddy out to see what it was. The rig opened and I saw Herrera bring out a patient that had cut her wrist and had massive bleeding. They got her into a bed and started to examine the cut. It was so deep that they had to move quickly to repair the damage and transfuse blood before she bled out. Apparently the cut was from a broken wine glass, and that's just... so crazy. But they were able to handle it, and she's going to be just fine.

After that things were pretty calm in the ER for a while. I sat at the nurses station and helped Teddy look for her lost engagement ring (the one that's basically a Hunt family heirloom). She was so stressed about it so I helped her retrace her steps around the ER and looked in every place I could think of. Before we could find it, another ambulance called in. They were 2 minutes out with a GSW to the chest. I saw that it was Herrera's rig again so I went out to the bay with Teddy to meet them.

The doors opened and before I could even see the patient, I saw the look of panic on Pruitt's face. In the 15 years I've known him, I've never seen him look like that before. As they brought the gurney down and into the ER I saw that it was Ryan. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked up at Pruitt with tears in my eyes. He nodded slowly, confirming that this was real, then sent me inside to keep an eye on him, to be with him. He told me that Andy was with him when it happened, so I should keep them both updated as much as I could. I nodded, shook off my tears, and ran inside following the stretcher into trauma room 3.

Teddy immediately started a transfusion cause he was losing way too much blood way too quickly. The bullet tore through Ryan's heart and it was barely pumping any blood through the rest of his body. She needed to get him up to the OR, but he wasn't stable enough. She opened him up right there and tried to get control of the bleeding. But ultimately, the damage was just too great. His heart stopped 3 times, and eventually, there just wasn't enough blood left to revive him.

Teddy called time of death and I let out a sob I didn't even know I was capable of. Altman turned around to see what in the world was going on with me. She was so focused on trying to save Ryan, that she didn't see me shaking in the corner of the room as I watched. She started to say that she knew it was a sad case, he was so young, and a police officer; it was tragic. I shook my head and managed to find my voice enough to tell her that it wasn't that. I grew up down the street from him. Ryan was the closest thing I've ever had to a big brother. He always looked out for me, and made fun of me, and played all the stupid games I asked him to when I was little. Even when we grew up, we still looked out for each other and were always there when we needed each other. And now he was just... gone.

I sat down on the side of his bed and held his hand as it went cold. I cried more than I had in years and Teddy just stood there, with a hand on my shoulder, not really knowing what to say. I finally pulled myself together and knew I had to tell Pruitt and Andy. I called Pruitt first, and let him know. He was so quiet on the other end of the line that I almost thought he had hung up. The first thing he said was "Did you tell Andrea yet?" I told him I had called him first, but I'd call Andy next. He asked me not to, saying that he was already on his way to our apartment to pick her up. They'd both be there to say goodbye shortly. I told Teddy, and because Ryan was my friend, she bent the rules a little, let his body stay in the trauma room, and got him cleaned up enough that Andy and Pruitt could come and say goodbye. They called Ryan's mom to give her the news and have her come in too. I called my own mom while I waited and she said she would bring dinner over to Ryan's mom and Pruitt, and that she'd come check on me and Andy later.

When they arrived, I tried to hug Andy, but she shook me off and sat right down next to Ryan's bed and picked up his hand. Captain Herrera pulled me into a hug and I held on as tightly as I possibly could. With my head on his chest, it was the first time I had taken a real breath since he brought Ryan to the ER. Andy talked to Ryan for a minute or so then got up and walked out the door. Pruitt and I looked at each other, and I told him I'd take her home. I followed Andy out and gave Herrera time alone to say goodbye before Ryan's mom got there. As we walked to the parking lot, I texted Maya, telling her she needed to get home ASAP.

Andy wouldn't talk the whole ride home, and when we got back she went straight to her room and locked the door. When Maya got home, she took one look at my face and asked what happened. I told her everything and, choking back her own tears, she asked where Andy was. I explained that she had locked herself in her room, and hadn't said a word since it happened. She tried to knock on Andy's door but she didn't answer. There wasn't really anything we could do except give her space. Maya joined me on the couch and asked how I was holding up. I admitted that I definitely wasn't okay, but had cried myself dry at the hospital, so I was probably just going to crash soon.

As I was getting myself ready for bed my mom showed up at our apartment. She wrapped me in a hug and held me there for at least 5 minutes. Then she handed me a grocery bag, saying she thought Andy and I might like it. I looked inside and teared up again. There were 4 pints of ice cream inside. (You see, when I was little, every once in a while my mom would get me, Ryan, and Andy each a pint of our favorite ice cream. She always knew just what kind we wanted and it was always really exciting. We'd sit on Andy's porch and try to see who could eat the fastest without getting brain freeze.) Sitting there in the bag, was a pint for me and Andy and Maya. And the fourth pint was Ryan's childhood favorite, Ultimate Cookie Crunch. I thanked her and hugged her again before she left.

I handed Maya her ice cream, threw two spoons in the bag, and knocked on Andy's door. I said we didn't have to talk, but I had ice cream. I heard the door unlock and walked in, handing Andy a pint and a spoon. We put Ryan's pint on the bedside table next to us and sat on Andy's bed, eating ice cream in silence. It wasn't fun or exciting like when we were kids, but I think that somehow it helped. Eventually I told Andy I'd leave her alone and let her get some sleep and headed to my room. Just as I climbed into bed, Andy knocked on my door.

Standing in the doorway, Andy whispered "Can I sleep in here tonight?"

Mattie nodded and slid over to make room. She grabbed Andy's hand and with as much confidence as she could muster, said "You and me. We're gonna be okay, right?"

Andy nodded as she put her head on Mattie's shoulder. For the first time all day, Andy started to cry. Mattie rubbed her back and held her tight, and just let her cry there until they both fell asleep.

Like I said... I hated today.

-Mattie