Just Close Enough to Burn (station 19)

Gut Feeling

Dear Diary,

I've been at Maya's for a few days now. Well I guess it's not just Maya's place anymore. My mom was actually pretty chill about me moving out and said she was just glad I was staying on the West Coast this time haha. Anyway, for the last few days I've been the first one up so I can get to school. I like my quiet mornings. I make coffee, read for a bit while I eat breakfast, and just get a slow start to my usually busy days. But this morning the house was bustling. When I got up at 5:30, I saw that Maya had already left, presumably for a run. I got ready and as I was putting coffee on, Andy came out with boxes of things to put on the living room shelves. I asked her what that was all about but she said she just wanted to feel at home. I laughed... yeah okay.

A few minutes later Maya got home and asked Andy the same thing. She called her out for using organization to distract from the fact that she was upset with Sullivan. Before we even got to talk about that, the front door opened again. With all three of us home, I didn't think there could possibly be more people showing up and making my quiet morning a whole lot louder. But then Vic walked in, using the key we didn't know she had, got a cup of coffee and plopped herself down on the couch. She claimed there was something she just had to tell us: she hooked up with a guy from Station 23.

Andy made a joke about it that took all of us by surprise. Vic and Maya called her out on it and Andy tried to claim that she was not always earnest, saying that she was easy, breezy. I laughed and, as I've known Andy the longest, Vic and Maya turned to me to ask if she had ever been easy, breezy. Not in the 15 years I've known her. With that I left for school, high fiving Vic on my way out.

I called Jo as I was walking to class. I had tried to call Alex to wish him luck on his first day as interim chief but he didn't answer so I called Jo to pass the message along for me. And to congratulate her on her first day as a fellow. What I didn't realize was that Grace was right behind me. When I hung up she asked who I was talking to and told her it was just one of my friends. She asked if it was the same friend that happened to work at Grey Sloan, cause she had heard that their chief of surgery was stepping down for a while and it sounded like I was talking about her replacement. I tried to blow it off, but she wasn't letting it go easily. Realizing it was a fruitless effort to keep it a secret I pulled her aside. I explained that I had been shadowing at Grey Sloan for a while and was friends with a lot of the doctors there. I also explained that they didn't help me get into med school, and have zero influence on any matching once we get there. Grace practically had to pick her jaw up off the floor as I begged her to keep quiet about it. While I've definitely gotten a lot of experience because of my connections at Grey Sloan, I haven't gotten any special treatment with anything school related and I didn't need people hating me because they thought I did. Grace assured me she wouldn't say anything and at this point I'm just hoping I can actually trust her.

After school I headed to the hospital to see how things were going. Not only was it Alex's first day as chief, but it was also Jo's first day as a fellow. I found her on the surgical floor looking for Dr. Bailey. Since she had funded Jo's fellowship she kinda assumed that they would actually be working together. She also mentioned that there was a kid in the ER with a saw blade in his chest so I headed down to check out what was going on. The story was that a shop teacher had drunkenly passed out and fallen onto the kid pushing him into the blade. It was a terrible situation, especially since the kids all seemed to love him. But I could see that Webber was paying extra attention to the teacher in an effort to help him through the situation. Found out later that he was taking it way too far, though. In the end they realized that the guy had a metabolic issue that turned sugar into alcohol. As crazy a diagnosis as that is, at least he wasn't doing anything reckless.

They took the boy with the blade in his chest up to surgery and I went to the gallery to watch. While I was there Amelia popped in to ask Maggie if she should expect any other suitors today or if Link was it. I turned to ask her what that was all about and she explained that Maggie had gone behind her back and told Dr. Lincoln about her, urging him to ask her out. She vented for a solid five minutes before I could get a word in but I finally smirked at her asking if he was cute. She rolled her eyes and laughed as she went back to work. I went back to watching the surgery in time to see Owen and Maggie totally duke it out "over the case." It was obvious that Maggie was actually mad about his relationship with Amelia and was using the case as a way to tell him.

After surgery I went to hang out with Amelia while she did research. I half watched her work while I studied for my Intro to Clinical exam next week. We chatted again about how people keep trying to set us up. She reiterated how annoyed she was that Maggie keeps trying to send her new guys to keep her from being with Owen. I mentioned that Vic and some other friends keep trying to get me to talk to guys and move on after Connor. We each vented for a while before wrapping up what we were doing.

On my way out, I stopped by the chief's office to finally check in with Alex. I asked how his first day went and he just shook his head. He had to fire an intern, deal with a ton of logistical crap, and then found out he spent the entire quarter's budget in one day. "So this is what happens when they leave evil spawn in charge" I mused. We laughed and I told him that I'm sure his second day would be better as I headed out.

I made my way home and realized that Andy wasn't there yet. She must have stopped at her dad's after shift. I poked my head into Maya's room to find her folding laundry.

"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" Mattie asked, sounding nervous.

"Yeah of course! What's up?" Maya smiled at her, trying to put her at ease.

"Okay, um" Mattie started slowly, "if this is weird or you don't want to talk about it just tell me to shut up okay?"

Maya laughed, "okay, but you can talk to me about anything"

Mattie took a breath, "okay. When and I guess how did you know that you were bi?"

Maya looked surprised but didn't hesitate to answer, "I was 14 or so, and there was this girl on my track team that I became close with and then I realized that I didn't just like her as a friend, I liked her the way I had liked boys."

"Gotcha" Mattie replied, clearly deep in thought.

Maya kept folding her laundry and let Mattie sit with her thoughts for a minute. Without looking up she asked "what's her name?"

"I don't know. It's not like one girl and I don't even know if it's anything." Mattie responded.

"If what is anything?" Maya questioned, as she put the laundry basket down and turned to face Mattie.

Mattie wasn't sure what to say so found the words as she went. "I don't know. Cause it's only sometimes. But like every once in a while I'll meet a girl and she's really cute and I get awkward and get butterflies and she's just really cool and I feel like a stupid little kid; ya know? But like that's only happened.. What like, twice? So like does that even count?"

Maya smiled at her, "yeah I feel like that sometimes. Why wouldn't it count?"

"Cause... I don't know. It doesn't happen nearly as often as it does with guys. If I was bi it'd be more right?" Mattie asked.

Maya shook her head, "no, not necessarily. Sometimes it's like that. It doesn't have to be perfectly 50/50."

Her answer took Mattie by surprise, "really?"

"Yeah" Maya replied, "Like I'm attracted to girls more often than guys, but I'm still into both so I'm still bi. Whatever the ratio is, it's valid." Mattie nodded slowly as she processed what Maya was saying. "I'm not saying you're bi, or that you have to be bi. I'm just saying that if that's an identity you're questioning or thinking about, it doesn't have to be perfectly 50/50 to be real."

"Okay," Mattie nodded. "Thanks."

"Yeah of course. You can always talk to me. About anything" Maya reassured her.

"I know. I really appreciate it," Mattie smiled.

We chatted for a while and it definitely answered some questions... and left me with a whole lot more. Even still, I'm really lucky to have Maya in my life and even luckier to live just down the hall.

-Mattie